Getting JAZZY on them

There are three sides to every story, JJ represents false perception and Jasmine symbolizes concrete evidence. Then there is Jazzy, the human recorder, most conversations consist of fun facts that the average person should not and does not know. Jazzy, works much like the judicial system should work; she sees that justice is served.

        Growing up in the Wood-side housing projects was an amazing experience, life wasn't perfect JJ frequently made trouble and Jasmine was always right there to clean things up. Our family was close, we spent a lot of time together, because our mother didn't think our neighborhood was safe, we were for the most part in the house. Our mother worked multiple jobs to take care of us, JJ felt neglected and acted out to get attention, while Jasmine took advantage of every moment she did get to spend with our mother and was rewarded with more one on one time. 

       After nine years of life I have learned, behind every beauty is an ugly truth. JJ hates that our mother is always working and blames herself for her constant absence. Jasmine on the other hand understands that food and shelter are necessary, so she tries to be of service and obey the rules waiting patiently for her reward. The two are always in opposition so life is a roller coaster, JJ's plot followed by punishment, Jasmine's repentance and then reward.

     A few months ago, Enna came home with a variety box of chocolate candy bars that she was to sell for a school fundraiser. Jasmine knew our mother loved chocolate and began to search for ways she could earn a candy bar if our mother in fact bought one. For a week, Jasmine was really good in school, had her homework done before our mother came home, helped our mother with whatever she needed; well she was doing some serious but kissing and still no candy.

     Two weeks, into the butt kissing and JJ had enough, she was not going to be turned into a slave for chocolate. One day when we came home from school, Bryndel let us in but then left for work. We were home alone and JJ saw her opportunity, she went and took one candy bar, after all Jasmine had worked so hard and been so good. Come to think of it Jasmine had worked so hard she deserved compensation, after all mom went to work and received compensation, so why shouldn't Jasmine. JJ took the box of candy and money as compensation for Jasmine's servitude.

    Later, that evening JJ was beat, while the punishment might have been severe, it would not have been that way if JJ had not lied the first time when asked about the candy. Most of JJ and our mothers contention is caused by JJ lying, if she would learn to ask for the things that she wants instead of taking them or to earn a reward instead of expecting it; their relationship would be alot better. 

Princess Jasmine

        Hate to be rude but I don't have time for proper introductions; my counter part informed me that she spoke with you yesterday. She has a tendency to fudge the truth or completely leave information out, as to make her appear innocent. Not saying that things weren't hard growing up but there were allot of happy moments. On Saturdays, when my mom would go to the mall, she would take me and we would eat awesome food and then I would help her pick out clothes. She and I were really close, mornings consisted of helping my mom get ready for work, then off to school, at one point my mom even hired a nanny for me. My protection was always top priority, JJ always found a way to make trouble; everything that happened to her was of her own doing.   

Important information to know, Jasmine is emotionless, the only things that hold value to her are facts. JJ is passion and desire, the facts are relative, she is driven by feeling. Jasmine will not buildup or add lavish details, she is short, sweet and too the point.

       My life is pleasant, the youngest of five, I wouldn't call myself spoiled; mother made it very clear you follow the rules and you will be rewarded, break them and you will be punished. The only person who has a problem with this is JJ, senseless and stupid, she deserves everything that happened to her. 

      A few months ago, she was beat for stealing Enna's fundraiser chocolate and money; OH, she left that out didn't she. We had come home from school and were hungry, there was other food in the house but JJ wanted a candy bar. We didn't have candy bars, so she went into Enna's room and took a candy, which would have been fine, she could get two dollars to replace it. However, in typical JJ fashion, she ate the whole box of chocolate, which consisted of 20 candy bars, then she took the money. To make things worse, after finding the empty box and candy wrappers in JJ's bed, she still lied said it wasn't her. Only after dangling in the air and being beat did she turn on the water works and concocted some story about being hungry. 

     Mother loves her but she doesn't like to follow the rules, bad girls deserve to get punished. 

        

SPAWN - JJ

Now there is a "clearer" picture of how I process information, each time period will be described by Jasmine - positive, JJ - negative and Jazzy - neutral. In this section, JJ will be introducing herself and while she may sound convincing, I urge you hear from Jasmine and Jazzy before making any assumptions. JJ can be mellow dramatic and will always play the victim role, though she is more of an EVIL genius, more emphasis on the EVIL. Her mentality is me against the world, everything you do is being carefully watched by her and you never know if you might be next on her hit list.

      "Oh isn't she so cute", I swear I hear that from everyone I meet, and while I have to admit I am pretty cute; don't be fooled, life hasn't been roses and sunshine. I grew up in the Wood-side Housing Project, it was as bad as it sounds, but only to outsiders. The people in my community showed me more love then my family did, I mean everyone seemed so nice but my mom always kept me locked in the house. I was never allowed to go outside or play with kids and having someone over the house forget about it; I rarely left the house but for school, that apartment was my HELL.

   Grace teases me saying the milk man is my daddy, that's why I'm so light. She is just jealous cause I have long pretty hair and people give me lots of attention. Maybe if she wasn't always picking on me, maybe if I leave they will all be happier. A nine year old should not have to go through the things I have been through, my mom beats me all the time, there is never any food and they keep me locked up all day; I am a modern day Cinderella. OH sure, think I am having a "awww Michelle" moment but you wouldn't last a day in my life. 
    Not to long ago, to punish me, my mother had each of my sibling grab a limb, keep in mind I am the youngest of five, and she began to beat me. I was hit over 200 times for eating the box of chocolates that my sister was suppose to sell as part of a school fundraiser. I said that I was sorry but I was just so hungry and that was the only thing to eat; if I left the house I would have gotten beat so I ate her candy. I understand that I deserved to be punished but she didn't have to beat me the way she did. 
  My mother shows me no affection but is quick to punish me. I get that its not easy being a single mother of five but I didn't ask to be born; two years ago my mom said she wished she never had me. I know she meant it, her and my dad were happy before I came along; they got divorced after I was born. They probably blame me for my parents breaking up, that explains why my dad hates me and why my mom seem set on making me feel unwanted. Something about my birth broke up what was once a happy home, I wish I was never born. 
     

      

       

Perception

I talked about perception in Introduction to Sex, I thought because perception played a key part in all of my decision making, an explanation of my thought process was necessary.
There are three people dwelling within me, Jasmine - positive, JJ - negative, Jazzy - neutral; this is the easiest way to describe each force or state of mind, that provokes an action. An example of this at work, if you are positive to me, I am positive to you, negative to me etc. Every reaction is based on the premise did your actions make me feel positive, negative or indifferent. Positive people become life long friends who's happiness I rejoice in, negative people are dead until they make themselves alive and moving targets.
I will not attack someone who does not attack me first, if I feel as though you are being dishonest and that your actions will eventually lead to me being hurt. There is a cold that sets in, every action becomes deliberate, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. However, if you stir up my heated desire, my passion is a force that can overtake you in a feeling of ecstasy. Every moment will bring such bliss, time will seem to fly by, conversing so easy and free; you will have my unfailing loyalty as a friend.

Introduction to Sex

       "Been sucking dick and turning tricks, long before I ever had the cereal." - JJ
As a young "black-ish" girl, growing up in a project, the sexual violation of a child was not foreign to me. I, myself was introduced to sex and things of that nature at the age of three; for now I will refer to it as abuse, continued until I was seven. When I was nine years old, my mother took me to a counselor and confronted me with a most particular story. I will not retell the story because as an adult I choose not to live in my past, however I will say the moral of the story, she heard some very bad things happened to me.
Understand that as a child I did not comprehend Good and Bad, I knew when something was right and when something was wrong. So when I heard this story I immediately thought, well no she has it all wrong, nothing bad happened to me. I didn't think that I was hurt in anyway because other then being beat I didn't know pain. My understanding as a child was this person loved me and cared about me and would never hurt me so everything that was happening was normal and okay, no matter how old I was.
This time in my life was very important and later on I will write of my educational experiences during this age but I think it important to make special reference to this time. My early introduction to an adult activity, taught me early that willingness to please can be both a creative and a destructive power. Through my life both uses are highlighted and will be discussed later on but I want to make very clear, I do not think what happened to me as a child was destructive or bad.
I am NOT advocating on behalf of child molesters and sexual relationships of any kind, with persons not yet mature enough to understand the emotional and chemical effects of sex, is wrong. However, I was not abused, nor am I a victim; my relationship though misunderstood and unhealthy did not hurt me. I did not understand what was actually taking place but never once did I feel fear or in danger. Its important to understand that more important then the facts is my perception of what happened.

My Conception

     My mother once told me it was 80 degrees the day that I was born, I always found that interesting because cooler temperatures have often preceded my birthday. I joke that on that day, the gates of hell opened and I spawned, ironically enough growing up my mother would refer to me as the spawn of Satan. Over the years, our relationship came to end, which brings me to present day, contemplating my conception and my purpose.

     September 2013, my elder brother and I were walking around South Salt Lake, UT, the conversation as it often does, drifted to the topic of my mother and our failed relationship. I confessed that while I care deeply for my mother, she and I are like oil and water, we don't mix. That day my brother told me a secret that in an instant changed my life: first he told me that we did not share the same father, then he told me that my mother had been raped at gun point. Already a mother of four and recently divorced, my mother did what she thought was best, she attempted to raise her rapist baby.

      Suddenly it clicked, all the comments about my unwanted birth, talk of shipping me off or giving me away. I wonder how she felt seeing my face, I wonder if my birth is what led to my mother temporarily losing custody of her kids. If so, why did she take me back? For the first year or so of my life, I was raised by my aunt and her husband, to this day I still look to my aunt as the mother I often wished I had. Not meant as a blow to anyone's ego simply, like most young people, I felt the grass was greener on the other side.

      I'm not sure how the story really goes, all information I possess is hearsay so I can't attest to its validity. Long story short, my stay with my aunt was short lived and as I started my second year of life I was in the care of my mother. Often, I think back to that day and wonder why she chose to take me back. I gave birth to my rapist baby, (story for later blog) and I couldn't image the emotions that I would feel, if everyday I saw my child it was a constant reminder of the day my life as I knew it, ended. 

      Knowing what I know now, I can show my mother empathy, while I know things could have been very different. I suppose things worked as they should, one day I think she and I will talk and I hope she can answer some of the questions that I have. 

      I hope that when she looks at me, she doesn't see my father but she sees a young women, who loves and misses her mother very much. A young women, who almost let fear of rejection send her down an endless path of drifting. I was not the perfect daughter and considering all the facts, I can say that I was the devil. I attempted to devalue the job that my mom did as a mother because I thought she could do better. The only thing my mother owes me is her knowledge of life as to help better equip me for mine. 

      While I would love to celebrate the start of one life, I could not do so without acknowledging the loss of another. I am sorry he took your life and I thank you for giving and allowing me to live mine.