I spent my days, either studying the bible or doing some type of domestic work; where once I would have felt lazy and unaccomplished, I felt calm and at peace. I had been reading several things in the bible that caused me to reflect on my failed relationships and the cause of their demise.
From my limited understanding, it sounded as though my idea of what life was, wasn't so. For I was born into this world with nothing, so why the need to accumulate things, if I will leave the world with nothing. I stopped trying to build my family once I got married, I had tried to pursue my own selfish endeavors and met with failure. Not only did I lose any chance of living "my dream", as I thought it was, I lost my husband and my stubbornness and pride didn't have me fighting for my marriage.
I tried a second relationship and that one failed, well for a number of reasons, first neither of us had a love of God or ourselves. We were quick to run to evil and plotted evil against our neighbors. That relationship was one with the devil, for I was in the pit of hell before I realized it was too late and tried to escape but did not meet with success.
My mother had raised me with a belief in Jesus Christ and God the Father, in my youth I turned away from my father much like the wayward son, who only after losing every thing he had inherited, returned home to his father, disgraced. However, the father received him in love and a great feast was prepared for him.
My life and the bible had similarities that could not be denied, all one has to do is change the names, the dates don't matter because all of the same things are happening. If this were true from me, it would be true for others, so how to spread the message of his love.
Enter the Pastor and Teacher
My pastor was to help me understand the meat of what was being said, she was also my support and strength along with the church, which proved to be like family. Than I had a mentor, he was the authority in my life, from which I was to receive instructions and obey. He was truly God's messenger and if I would heed his words and follow him in faith, the Lord would have be delivered from captivity.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
Thursday, July 30, 2015
23 - Jasmine C. Petit
Side note this is the 23rd blog for I am Jasmine C. Petit, also I am in my 23rd year of life. The number 23 is very important to me because it symbolizes a time of great change for me.
Thank you for your support on this journey.
After I turned 23, I began working on a book, at first I wasn't sure what I would write about. I didn't know any great history stories that I could tell, the only stories I had know were the ones that plagued my life. I was tired of the assumptions, everyone speaking as though they knew me, as if they could bare the cross of my life. They were not my Savior so that could never judge me righteously.
The book started as poems, poems turn to blogs, blogs turned to a back and forth poetic telling of my life; followed by a poem to introduce the next story. I was finding clarity and solutions to questions I didn't even know I should have been asking. I stopped looking to my own understanding and asked for help and direction from my family, pastors and teachers.
I had every tool I ever needed to succeed and this time, I knew what to do with it; first I would pray. Second I would seek the counsel of my family and teachers, third I would search the scriptures, for an ancestor who was met with a great adversity and gain understanding of how they employed their talents, so that I may do the same and be prosperous.
I also had to lay to rest all false notations of God's people; the family is the church of the living God and we are all brothers and sisters. So I should seek to do good works why my brother has need but I should never be a slave to my brother. Words, to live and be fed by, I would humble and submit myself before the lord, serve him righteously and work my own lands and harvest my own fields; and let it stand when my brother has need of me.
My great work and mission, was to work to provide for myself and my family, to help those when they are in great need, and know that my labors will produce fruit. It took me 23 years, to understand my blessing and calling as a women.
Thank you for your support on this journey.
After I turned 23, I began working on a book, at first I wasn't sure what I would write about. I didn't know any great history stories that I could tell, the only stories I had know were the ones that plagued my life. I was tired of the assumptions, everyone speaking as though they knew me, as if they could bare the cross of my life. They were not my Savior so that could never judge me righteously.
The book started as poems, poems turn to blogs, blogs turned to a back and forth poetic telling of my life; followed by a poem to introduce the next story. I was finding clarity and solutions to questions I didn't even know I should have been asking. I stopped looking to my own understanding and asked for help and direction from my family, pastors and teachers.
I had every tool I ever needed to succeed and this time, I knew what to do with it; first I would pray. Second I would seek the counsel of my family and teachers, third I would search the scriptures, for an ancestor who was met with a great adversity and gain understanding of how they employed their talents, so that I may do the same and be prosperous.
I also had to lay to rest all false notations of God's people; the family is the church of the living God and we are all brothers and sisters. So I should seek to do good works why my brother has need but I should never be a slave to my brother. Words, to live and be fed by, I would humble and submit myself before the lord, serve him righteously and work my own lands and harvest my own fields; and let it stand when my brother has need of me.
My great work and mission, was to work to provide for myself and my family, to help those when they are in great need, and know that my labors will produce fruit. It took me 23 years, to understand my blessing and calling as a women.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Love and Basketball leads to Adultery - Jazzy
Everything I have ever done, I have done in the pursuit of love, or at least what I thought was love. See this story started at Mountain View High school, unfortunately it didn't end there, which lead to me committing adultery not once but twice and both times with "the one".
Not high school sweet hearts, never went that far,
I was a baller, you a track star
we were always butting heads, didn't see eye to eye,
my style and my attitude, had you wondering why
I hide my body and I hid my face
behind a boy persona, telling lies and being fake
Went off to college in different states
didn't know why, you'd be calling me
said you had a girlfriend you wanted to come and see
asked if you and your friends, could come and stay with me
Tried to keep it calm, tried to be cool
but you keep trying to play me for a fool
thought we could be friends
now I'm thinking twice
Am I wrong for liking you
or are you Mr. Wright
Lost track of time, I was on your mind
You were locked up then, I thought I finally had my chance
I wrote you, you called me
thought it was true love, found out you were playing me
you broke my trust, it tore me up baby
Had to distance myself, the silence drove you crazy
Wanted to hurt him so I called you
I was unfaithful, didn't tell the truth
You let your conscious get the better of you
lie, was all I thought to do
Siting in that park, thinking man am I crazy
why am I fighting for this fool I should be Chris's lady
Am I wrong for thinking that we could be something for real
Am I wrong for trying to tell you just how I feel
The words were inspired by a secret love affair, started when I was married, which didn't end and resulted in me cheating in other relationships I engaged in. I had told myself, that I would never commit to one men, unless it was "the one." I had never been more foolish before or after this time period spanning 2008-2015.
My recent come to Jesus and excepting of his love, renew me in such a way I vowed never to commit adultery again. I was going to wait till that fateful day and I would see the face of my Lord, on that day I would "know" him and he would "know" me. When you are in love with the father you don't have urges of the flesh but yearning for the soul.
I would remain faithful until that day, when I would look into his eyes and see my savior Christ Jesus, even if it meant that he who I believed was "the one", wasn't. I would submit and humble myself before the will of my Lord and Savior.
Not high school sweet hearts, never went that far,
I was a baller, you a track star
we were always butting heads, didn't see eye to eye,
my style and my attitude, had you wondering why
I hide my body and I hid my face
behind a boy persona, telling lies and being fake
Went off to college in different states
didn't know why, you'd be calling me
said you had a girlfriend you wanted to come and see
asked if you and your friends, could come and stay with me
Tried to keep it calm, tried to be cool
but you keep trying to play me for a fool
thought we could be friends
now I'm thinking twice
Am I wrong for liking you
or are you Mr. Wright
Lost track of time, I was on your mind
You were locked up then, I thought I finally had my chance
I wrote you, you called me
thought it was true love, found out you were playing me
you broke my trust, it tore me up baby
Had to distance myself, the silence drove you crazy
Wanted to hurt him so I called you
I was unfaithful, didn't tell the truth
You let your conscious get the better of you
lie, was all I thought to do
Siting in that park, thinking man am I crazy
why am I fighting for this fool I should be Chris's lady
Am I wrong for thinking that we could be something for real
Am I wrong for trying to tell you just how I feel
The words were inspired by a secret love affair, started when I was married, which didn't end and resulted in me cheating in other relationships I engaged in. I had told myself, that I would never commit to one men, unless it was "the one." I had never been more foolish before or after this time period spanning 2008-2015.
My recent come to Jesus and excepting of his love, renew me in such a way I vowed never to commit adultery again. I was going to wait till that fateful day and I would see the face of my Lord, on that day I would "know" him and he would "know" me. When you are in love with the father you don't have urges of the flesh but yearning for the soul.
I would remain faithful until that day, when I would look into his eyes and see my savior Christ Jesus, even if it meant that he who I believed was "the one", wasn't. I would submit and humble myself before the will of my Lord and Savior.
Gods Creation; Devils temptation - Jasmine
I had always cared for Cameron since high school, he reminded me of my older brother; we use to do things we shouldn't but he was always there to protect me if something went down. Cameron was my superhero, always there to make me laugh, always challenging me. I never understood why he never put that amount of effort in him self, he had the potential for greatness but lack true confidence.
I thought if my calling was to have a family, why not see what happened with him, the sexual chemistry was there, we already "knew" each other. There were many red flags as to why we should get together but he and I ignored them all and been down paths of great wickedness together. I lost the light that once shown bright in my eyes, for I delighted in evil and thought wicked and perverse things.
They say when God wants you, he will have you, know matter where you are. God wanted Cameron and he wanted me, and the only way he could have us both would be to wake us both up and wrench us apart. After, all the hurt and lies, I still looked back longing to have my friend. But it wasn't to be so, God opened my eyes and showed me my way.
I stopped disobeying my fathers command and I headed east out of the desert to the land of milk and honey. And when I got there and I thought I was stuck and didn't know what to do. I called upon the name of the Lord and he sent me an Angel to watch over me.
I had teachers and pastors, to watch over me and I had embraced a love of family, that I had not known before.
My friends back home write for my return, I do not wish to burden them with the news, I will not return. So I am about my fathers business and he wishes me to learn his teachings and have them engraved upon my heart, that I may love all men as I love myself. That I must seek to be in the service of men when they are in great need and do not waste my times on quarreling. I was delivered from captivity because I no longer live in the world for man but for God to serve man.
I know the devil flees, from my thoughts, because he knows he has no power here. He may temp me with delights but I will remain humble in the service of my Lord.
I thought if my calling was to have a family, why not see what happened with him, the sexual chemistry was there, we already "knew" each other. There were many red flags as to why we should get together but he and I ignored them all and been down paths of great wickedness together. I lost the light that once shown bright in my eyes, for I delighted in evil and thought wicked and perverse things.
They say when God wants you, he will have you, know matter where you are. God wanted Cameron and he wanted me, and the only way he could have us both would be to wake us both up and wrench us apart. After, all the hurt and lies, I still looked back longing to have my friend. But it wasn't to be so, God opened my eyes and showed me my way.
I stopped disobeying my fathers command and I headed east out of the desert to the land of milk and honey. And when I got there and I thought I was stuck and didn't know what to do. I called upon the name of the Lord and he sent me an Angel to watch over me.
I had teachers and pastors, to watch over me and I had embraced a love of family, that I had not known before.
My friends back home write for my return, I do not wish to burden them with the news, I will not return. So I am about my fathers business and he wishes me to learn his teachings and have them engraved upon my heart, that I may love all men as I love myself. That I must seek to be in the service of men when they are in great need and do not waste my times on quarreling. I was delivered from captivity because I no longer live in the world for man but for God to serve man.
I know the devil flees, from my thoughts, because he knows he has no power here. He may temp me with delights but I will remain humble in the service of my Lord.
Post Traumatic Stress - JJ
So most women after giving birth would take the six weeks necessary to heal. Not JJ, the idea of standing still being alone with time would mean she would have to deal with her past. There was no time to relive the last 5 months it was time to live, to experience life, to play basketball be cause after all that was the desire of her heart.
God has a funny way of working, I thought that my coach would be cool after the adoption and she still kicked me off the team. It's okay, I got another offer to CEU - Price , Utah home of the Eagles. Well I did always believe I would fly.
Start of season strain all the muscles in my back, that cause stress, so the day after my birth I start having seizures? My season over before it even began, what that hell, kind of BS is this. Seriously, you say my calling is to be a vessel so I brought him in this world, now why can't I have want I want.
The answer was quiet but clear, "its not about what you want, its about what is asked of you," for what ever reason, I got married. The relationship lasted 22 months and ended in divorce after 9 months of marriage. Again I had failed to fulfill my purpose and was met with a great obstacle and fell. However, this time I refused to get up, if I was married I would have my own life with my marriage and pursue my career and work and neglect my family and spouse.
My marriage failed because I never tried to make it work, I knew I didn't know what I was doing, I had no idea how to be a wife. Rather then learning from my teachers, I neglected to obey the first commandment of God's word, Love the lord thy god, second Love thy neighbor as you love thyself. I had neglected God in my relationship and neglect to pray with my husband for understanding, on how I could make him happy.
I thought that if I cooked, cleaned and had sex; he should be satisfied, I could be free to play sports, write and edit of the school news paper and work; and neglect my family, not allowing him to have valuable talking time and embracing one another. I was too busy to enjoy my marriage and enjoy my spouse. I had stopped loving my neighbor, my husband; this led to the down fall of my marriage, but I firm knowledge that happiness would not come to me, if I kept neglecting my family, which is the church of the living God.
God has a funny way of working, I thought that my coach would be cool after the adoption and she still kicked me off the team. It's okay, I got another offer to CEU - Price , Utah home of the Eagles. Well I did always believe I would fly.
Start of season strain all the muscles in my back, that cause stress, so the day after my birth I start having seizures? My season over before it even began, what that hell, kind of BS is this. Seriously, you say my calling is to be a vessel so I brought him in this world, now why can't I have want I want.
The answer was quiet but clear, "its not about what you want, its about what is asked of you," for what ever reason, I got married. The relationship lasted 22 months and ended in divorce after 9 months of marriage. Again I had failed to fulfill my purpose and was met with a great obstacle and fell. However, this time I refused to get up, if I was married I would have my own life with my marriage and pursue my career and work and neglect my family and spouse.
My marriage failed because I never tried to make it work, I knew I didn't know what I was doing, I had no idea how to be a wife. Rather then learning from my teachers, I neglected to obey the first commandment of God's word, Love the lord thy god, second Love thy neighbor as you love thyself. I had neglected God in my relationship and neglect to pray with my husband for understanding, on how I could make him happy.
I thought that if I cooked, cleaned and had sex; he should be satisfied, I could be free to play sports, write and edit of the school news paper and work; and neglect my family, not allowing him to have valuable talking time and embracing one another. I was too busy to enjoy my marriage and enjoy my spouse. I had stopped loving my neighbor, my husband; this led to the down fall of my marriage, but I firm knowledge that happiness would not come to me, if I kept neglecting my family, which is the church of the living God.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Adoption - Jazzy
1 Timothy 2:15 - yet she will be saved through childbearing - if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self control.
We are saved by Christ sacrifice, Elijah will precede the Lord on that great and terrible day; had my life become prophesy. In a way yes, before I could ever understand the Lords love for me, I would have to except his love, his sacrifice. I would find my peace in the sacrifice I was about to make, I had bore a child and remained faithful to my calling. This would be my peace my key to salvation and testament of love.
Elijah, son of Bernie and Rich, delivered to them by the father, through his servant Jasmine.
It was the first of many callings bestowed on me and if I remained faithful and endured to the end, the Lord would bless me that I would see all my talents used to help along his work. Love, that was my commandment and calling, that love would show itself in many forms over the years and to different people.
Now to learn control and discipline so that I may not be lead astray and held captive by those which would see me perish. Life is a battle, you can either Adopt life and love; or death and hate. You cannot live while you do things that will end up killing you.
We are saved by Christ sacrifice, Elijah will precede the Lord on that great and terrible day; had my life become prophesy. In a way yes, before I could ever understand the Lords love for me, I would have to except his love, his sacrifice. I would find my peace in the sacrifice I was about to make, I had bore a child and remained faithful to my calling. This would be my peace my key to salvation and testament of love.
Elijah, son of Bernie and Rich, delivered to them by the father, through his servant Jasmine.
It was the first of many callings bestowed on me and if I remained faithful and endured to the end, the Lord would bless me that I would see all my talents used to help along his work. Love, that was my commandment and calling, that love would show itself in many forms over the years and to different people.
Now to learn control and discipline so that I may not be lead astray and held captive by those which would see me perish. Life is a battle, you can either Adopt life and love; or death and hate. You cannot live while you do things that will end up killing you.
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Elijah - Jasmine
In the bible it says that Elijah will precede the Lord on that great and terrible day.
It was only right that his parents name him Elijah because before I found out about him I was heading down a dark path of destruction. JJ and I were one in the same, despair had taken hold of me, I was filled with anger and bitterness; life was meaningless without basketball.
I hated God for taking away everything I loved, my mom was a stranger, I was alone and had no one. Or at least that is what I thought, until I heard your heart beat.
I never knew a love like this, so strong and steady your heart beat
For months you lay in wait so still, the beating you had taken not revealing one bruise
this perfect child inside of me, my body had found a use
I was a vessel, a creator of life
But who was I to create a life I could not sustain
Then I heard the voice of the Lord, "Your not his mother, Angel is your name"
When I saw your mother, you began to run to her
And for the first time in 5 1/2 months I felt you
As you began to run to your parents
I began to run to mine
I had seen my place, in my Father's great design
I couldn't tell my mother but I needed to see her face
To be in the comfort of her arms and to be embraced
When we met your mother, tears filled her eyes
"We decided to name you Angel, so Elijah will know who brought him to our lives"
My writings were my only creation until I had you, how ironic you would share my mothers birthday, a whole month before you were actually due. You preceded the Lord in my life and my ability to see all his many blessings. Whenever I have faltered, I think of you, how out of darkness I received a blessing, YOU.
It was only right that his parents name him Elijah because before I found out about him I was heading down a dark path of destruction. JJ and I were one in the same, despair had taken hold of me, I was filled with anger and bitterness; life was meaningless without basketball.
I hated God for taking away everything I loved, my mom was a stranger, I was alone and had no one. Or at least that is what I thought, until I heard your heart beat.
I never knew a love like this, so strong and steady your heart beat
For months you lay in wait so still, the beating you had taken not revealing one bruise
this perfect child inside of me, my body had found a use
I was a vessel, a creator of life
But who was I to create a life I could not sustain
Then I heard the voice of the Lord, "Your not his mother, Angel is your name"
When I saw your mother, you began to run to her
And for the first time in 5 1/2 months I felt you
As you began to run to your parents
I began to run to mine
I had seen my place, in my Father's great design
I couldn't tell my mother but I needed to see her face
To be in the comfort of her arms and to be embraced
When we met your mother, tears filled her eyes
"We decided to name you Angel, so Elijah will know who brought him to our lives"
My writings were my only creation until I had you, how ironic you would share my mothers birthday, a whole month before you were actually due. You preceded the Lord in my life and my ability to see all his many blessings. Whenever I have faltered, I think of you, how out of darkness I received a blessing, YOU.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Product of Rape - JJ
I wasn't as bad as they made me out to be, I didn't party every night actually I was a real home body. The school started off, I was excited to have what I thought was friends but nobody is really your friend. I liked a couple of guys but it didn't work out.
By the time season started I was home every night and working out, I loved basketball, one the court was the only time I excepted and respected. You couldn't deny I played hard, I might lose but you wouldn't have an easy win, you were going to have to work.
The Season was a blur of excitement, injury and perseverance, I torn the ligaments that wrap around your Tibia, still played, I practiced with my boot on. Mid season I started having pains in my lower abdominal region, the school trainer said it was probably a hernia.
After Basketball season ended I went to the hospital because I was having sever pains, I told the doctor what my school trainer had said about the possible hernia. He asked was it possible I was pregnant and when was my last menstrual period. Well no I couldn't be pregnant and well I normally have 4 periods a year, I was very athletic and less then 12% body fat.
3 hours later, they take me to get and ultra sound, 1 hour later the doctor asks me if I knew I was pregnant, I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. The sudden realization that I had played an entire season of basketball pregnant, there was never any movement, I still had my six pack. NO I couldn't be pregnant I didn't have sex with anyone around my birthday.
After 5 hours at the hospital, I heard his heart beat and I couldn't deny it anymore. I was pregnant and it wasn't as though I was in relations with someone around that time. I searched for a name a memory something, Amber. My roommate in college we had our ups and downs, I went to Amber and asked her what happened on my birthday, all she could tell me was there were two guys in our apartment and the night was a blur once drinks where poured. I didn't remember the night, not like oh I was fucked up, no I mean there were pictures of me unconscious on a floor.
Who in their right mind has sex with someone who is unconscious, I saw a picture (long after I had my son) I cried cause I looked dead in the picture.
I had left the hospital confused, I was in college, still wanted to play basketball and now I was pregnant and I have 3 1/2 months to get ready to take care of another life. I can't even take care of myself.
It was the first time I truly offered up an honest prayer and I got my reply "he isn't yours to keep but he is yours to have, his mother is waiting"
I went home and started searching the internet for families, I don't know how I got to the site but it was called it's about love.org (I didn't know at the time it was through LDS family services). I selected my race preferences and this cute white couple popped up. I thought since they don't know that neither of them are black, lets search for a family at least one is black. Two pictures popped up, I began to scroll over the first picture and when I got to the second, I felt someone run across my stomach. I sent them in email, "My name is Jasmine Petit, I am 18 years old and the little guy in my tummy told me you are his mommy and daddy, 480-***-****, I look forward to hearing from you."
I reply came in the middle of a moderately warm day in Arizona, "You should get in contact with LDS family serves and get a case worker, here is our case workers information."
The Journey isn't mine to tell but This was one moment in time I didn't mind stepping aside and letting Jasmine have her moment.
By the time season started I was home every night and working out, I loved basketball, one the court was the only time I excepted and respected. You couldn't deny I played hard, I might lose but you wouldn't have an easy win, you were going to have to work.
The Season was a blur of excitement, injury and perseverance, I torn the ligaments that wrap around your Tibia, still played, I practiced with my boot on. Mid season I started having pains in my lower abdominal region, the school trainer said it was probably a hernia.
After Basketball season ended I went to the hospital because I was having sever pains, I told the doctor what my school trainer had said about the possible hernia. He asked was it possible I was pregnant and when was my last menstrual period. Well no I couldn't be pregnant and well I normally have 4 periods a year, I was very athletic and less then 12% body fat.
3 hours later, they take me to get and ultra sound, 1 hour later the doctor asks me if I knew I was pregnant, I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. The sudden realization that I had played an entire season of basketball pregnant, there was never any movement, I still had my six pack. NO I couldn't be pregnant I didn't have sex with anyone around my birthday.
After 5 hours at the hospital, I heard his heart beat and I couldn't deny it anymore. I was pregnant and it wasn't as though I was in relations with someone around that time. I searched for a name a memory something, Amber. My roommate in college we had our ups and downs, I went to Amber and asked her what happened on my birthday, all she could tell me was there were two guys in our apartment and the night was a blur once drinks where poured. I didn't remember the night, not like oh I was fucked up, no I mean there were pictures of me unconscious on a floor.
Who in their right mind has sex with someone who is unconscious, I saw a picture (long after I had my son) I cried cause I looked dead in the picture.
I had left the hospital confused, I was in college, still wanted to play basketball and now I was pregnant and I have 3 1/2 months to get ready to take care of another life. I can't even take care of myself.
It was the first time I truly offered up an honest prayer and I got my reply "he isn't yours to keep but he is yours to have, his mother is waiting"
I went home and started searching the internet for families, I don't know how I got to the site but it was called it's about love.org (I didn't know at the time it was through LDS family services). I selected my race preferences and this cute white couple popped up. I thought since they don't know that neither of them are black, lets search for a family at least one is black. Two pictures popped up, I began to scroll over the first picture and when I got to the second, I felt someone run across my stomach. I sent them in email, "My name is Jasmine Petit, I am 18 years old and the little guy in my tummy told me you are his mommy and daddy, 480-***-****, I look forward to hearing from you."
I reply came in the middle of a moderately warm day in Arizona, "You should get in contact with LDS family serves and get a case worker, here is our case workers information."
The Journey isn't mine to tell but This was one moment in time I didn't mind stepping aside and letting Jasmine have her moment.
Monday, June 15, 2015
High School - Jazzy
High school was a treat, Jasmine played volleyball, basketball and ran track; she also was a member of the drama club and sang in her school choir. Outside of school and the many odd jobs that she had, Jasmine didn't show her face much, she wasn't a big fan of Utah.
JJ on the other hand, had plenty of fuel to add to her emotionally destructive fire. Her and Utah were a toxic combination to anyone that she came in contact with. She had the ability to turn even the happiest person, to the most miserable soul after a short period of time. However, Utah was in no shortage of miserable souls, so JJ felt as though she had hit a gold mine, plenty of negative energy for her to feed on. The fact most people made fun of her, was all the justification she needed to be mean, cruel and down right evil in return.
Utah wasn't all bad I was able to make friends with people at church and even had a boyfriend for a short period of time. Cameron was my best friend, we hung out every night, talking for hours about anything and everything. Then he broke my heart but such is life, we live, we love and we die.
The end of my junior year, I met my soulmate, it was like looking into a mirror. Not that JJ didn't try to ruin things and she very well may have but I'll never forget those eyes and that smile.
He and JJ were consistently fighting, over basketball and track; on one hand it was like love and basketball on the other it was like clash of the titans. Getting JJ to stop interfering was a losing battle but when she would back off; the moments I spent with Chris seemed to last forever, I wish they never had to end.
JJ on the other hand, had plenty of fuel to add to her emotionally destructive fire. Her and Utah were a toxic combination to anyone that she came in contact with. She had the ability to turn even the happiest person, to the most miserable soul after a short period of time. However, Utah was in no shortage of miserable souls, so JJ felt as though she had hit a gold mine, plenty of negative energy for her to feed on. The fact most people made fun of her, was all the justification she needed to be mean, cruel and down right evil in return.
Utah wasn't all bad I was able to make friends with people at church and even had a boyfriend for a short period of time. Cameron was my best friend, we hung out every night, talking for hours about anything and everything. Then he broke my heart but such is life, we live, we love and we die.
The end of my junior year, I met my soulmate, it was like looking into a mirror. Not that JJ didn't try to ruin things and she very well may have but I'll never forget those eyes and that smile.
He and JJ were consistently fighting, over basketball and track; on one hand it was like love and basketball on the other it was like clash of the titans. Getting JJ to stop interfering was a losing battle but when she would back off; the moments I spent with Chris seemed to last forever, I wish they never had to end.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Utah - Jasmine
To say JJ is wrong about this place would be lying, they call Utah County "Happy Valley", but I see no happiness in this place. I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, my whole life and never have a been treated in such a manor by "Gods chosen people". People smile in your face and whisper behind your back, as if you can't hear them, your standing right behind me. False wishes of happiness and joy, people here don't care about others, they only think of themselves, they use people and when you ask for help in return; they mock you and walk away from you.
I don't know if I'm more disgusted with the politics or the church, or the fact that they are one in the same. I've seen a gross misuse of the welfare and unemployment resources, while those that could benefit were denied. I've seen people shopping and throwing away food at the mall but walk past a Veteran asking for anything even a simple prayer and they walk past with their noses in the air.
I was born with nothing other than my voice and for four years I have remained silent and stunned, as I watched the people of "Zion" act as un-christ like as you can.
I see JJ's struggle but I cannot help, I am too weak to face this army of evil alone, I pray that from this adversity she finds strength and wisdom. I do not support her in her decision to end her life, therefore as her soul, I refuse to die. No matter how many cuts, pills and self destructive acts, she participates in, I will not give up on her, I will not give up on Love.
If she can remember God is love, compassionate and merciful; she can weather any storm, including Hurricane Mesa, Arizona; which is about to hit.
JJ, I'm here watching but you have bound my hands and rendered me useless in this fight, stop fighting with your words, it is time to take action. You can win, you will survive.
I don't know if I'm more disgusted with the politics or the church, or the fact that they are one in the same. I've seen a gross misuse of the welfare and unemployment resources, while those that could benefit were denied. I've seen people shopping and throwing away food at the mall but walk past a Veteran asking for anything even a simple prayer and they walk past with their noses in the air.
I was born with nothing other than my voice and for four years I have remained silent and stunned, as I watched the people of "Zion" act as un-christ like as you can.
I see JJ's struggle but I cannot help, I am too weak to face this army of evil alone, I pray that from this adversity she finds strength and wisdom. I do not support her in her decision to end her life, therefore as her soul, I refuse to die. No matter how many cuts, pills and self destructive acts, she participates in, I will not give up on her, I will not give up on Love.
If she can remember God is love, compassionate and merciful; she can weather any storm, including Hurricane Mesa, Arizona; which is about to hit.
JJ, I'm here watching but you have bound my hands and rendered me useless in this fight, stop fighting with your words, it is time to take action. You can win, you will survive.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Mountain View High School
It's the end of my junior year and I am in the whites part of Utah, I know no one and now I have to start over at a new school. I am done with constantly moving and changing schools, I keep getting discarded like trash, I guess the only time I have value is when I'm on my back. Forget playing by the rules, lets see how long it takes to self destruct.
So my sisters roommate has allot of pills I mean allot, I wonder if taking a specific combination would cause my heart to stop. If I cut Enna will notice the scars and I am not quite ready to throw in the towel like that anyways. This new basketball coach, there is something about him, if I could pull my head out my ass I think he can really help me.
So the assistant coach is pregnant and playing basketball, that is awesome, I love basketball everything about it, from the sound of the ball bouncing to the sound of flesh being rubbed raw as you dive on the floor for a loose ball. I don't really mesh with the girls that well but at least they are trying and I am giving it some effort.
So much for getting along with people, the only thing that will benefit me at this school is basketball, everything else is not worth my time. The people here are beyond cruel and they think they can talk to people any type of way. I might be proper but I can get ghetto real quick, if they keep pushing me, I might have to hurt someone.
Now that basketball is over and I don't live with Enna, I don't care anymore, every night I take a different bottle of pills hoping that I wont wake up in the morning. Only to wake up sick and throwing up and still have to go to school the next day. If I began to cut my coach would notice, we talk, he is always trying to get me to see the bright side. We both hate it here but see the value in being at the school, these girls are great and mean well, they just have an evil side.
I don't know why I am doing track, actually its cause Coach is making me; its not all bad I get to see a certain someone almost every day, Coach makes fun of us and calls us love and basketball. Actually he is a bit of an asshole to me, he makes fun of me, talks about the way I dress, is down right mean; of course I would have a crush on him.
I know I am suppose to be going to college but I am ready for it to end already, I have had enough success in life. I can't handle anymore disappointment and I can't keep falling short, something has got to give. I'm tired of hiding behind a smile and pretending like this world is an amazing place. You know how frustrating it is to take a bottle of sleeping pills fall asleep in the tub and wake up the next morning. Can't even kill myself properly, the tub drained out before I could drown. Maybe I can get someone else to do it for me. I can sneak out every night and they wont know, even better I can say I am going to salt lake to work or play basketball but really live on the streets maybe someone will kill me. The homicide rate in Salt Lake is higher then Utah County.
Summer is almost over, I am heading to college I suppose I should be happy, I guess self destruction will be easier if I'm far away from anyone I know.
So my sisters roommate has allot of pills I mean allot, I wonder if taking a specific combination would cause my heart to stop. If I cut Enna will notice the scars and I am not quite ready to throw in the towel like that anyways. This new basketball coach, there is something about him, if I could pull my head out my ass I think he can really help me.
So the assistant coach is pregnant and playing basketball, that is awesome, I love basketball everything about it, from the sound of the ball bouncing to the sound of flesh being rubbed raw as you dive on the floor for a loose ball. I don't really mesh with the girls that well but at least they are trying and I am giving it some effort.
So much for getting along with people, the only thing that will benefit me at this school is basketball, everything else is not worth my time. The people here are beyond cruel and they think they can talk to people any type of way. I might be proper but I can get ghetto real quick, if they keep pushing me, I might have to hurt someone.
Now that basketball is over and I don't live with Enna, I don't care anymore, every night I take a different bottle of pills hoping that I wont wake up in the morning. Only to wake up sick and throwing up and still have to go to school the next day. If I began to cut my coach would notice, we talk, he is always trying to get me to see the bright side. We both hate it here but see the value in being at the school, these girls are great and mean well, they just have an evil side.
I don't know why I am doing track, actually its cause Coach is making me; its not all bad I get to see a certain someone almost every day, Coach makes fun of us and calls us love and basketball. Actually he is a bit of an asshole to me, he makes fun of me, talks about the way I dress, is down right mean; of course I would have a crush on him.
I know I am suppose to be going to college but I am ready for it to end already, I have had enough success in life. I can't handle anymore disappointment and I can't keep falling short, something has got to give. I'm tired of hiding behind a smile and pretending like this world is an amazing place. You know how frustrating it is to take a bottle of sleeping pills fall asleep in the tub and wake up the next morning. Can't even kill myself properly, the tub drained out before I could drown. Maybe I can get someone else to do it for me. I can sneak out every night and they wont know, even better I can say I am going to salt lake to work or play basketball but really live on the streets maybe someone will kill me. The homicide rate in Salt Lake is higher then Utah County.
Summer is almost over, I am heading to college I suppose I should be happy, I guess self destruction will be easier if I'm far away from anyone I know.
Cottonwood
I don't believe I am saying this but I miss Granite, while some of the people from Granite are here, this school is nothing like Granite. I thought people at Granite have a staring problem, I'm surprised people don't walk into shit, they stare so hard. What are you looking at?
At least here the classes are more challenging, as in this school lets me take harder classes, instead of recommending the lower level classes like Granite did. I love all my classes AP history, AP English, College Algebra(1010) and Physics; finally I'm around other smart people that like to read, they still hate me but at least they are smart.
The volleyball team is much better, I really like the coach he knows somethings off with me but he is really nice. Also Coach Baumann is the girls basketball coach and Coach Ekins, even though I don't get along with the students here I do get along with the staff; adults are much better company. Its almost official I am disliked by almost everyone and I have done nothing, that I know of, to insight such animosity.
So my basketball season is ending short, who fails choir, well when you choose your basketball game over your class concert, this girl fails choir, I still have a 2.0 your penalizing me for missing school for basketball. "Your a student athlete, student comes first", blah blah blah, I could care less about school. I got A's in all my hard classes I only failed the ones that were boring and easy; coach should know by now if it doesn't challenge me I wont work hard. "Don't play at the level of your competition, make them rise to your level", yeah coach I guess your right. If all I hang around is shit, I will only ever amount to shit.
Oh snap, I really like track and I really love throwing the javelin, I threw it over 100 ft, I wonder if I can hit someone while they are running. I saw a video about a guy getting hit in the leg with a javelin, the metal is so smooth, you wouldn't think the tip would be that sharp.
Junior year, I'm already settled in, I know most of the people here even if they don't know or talk to me. I have a great relationship with the staff from the principal to the school officers. I hardly go to class but I have a 3.5 GPA, I spend most of my time in the gym or in Baumann's class.
This is horrible, I am leaving cottonwood and I don't even get to say goodbye to any of the staff.
At least here the classes are more challenging, as in this school lets me take harder classes, instead of recommending the lower level classes like Granite did. I love all my classes AP history, AP English, College Algebra(1010) and Physics; finally I'm around other smart people that like to read, they still hate me but at least they are smart.
The volleyball team is much better, I really like the coach he knows somethings off with me but he is really nice. Also Coach Baumann is the girls basketball coach and Coach Ekins, even though I don't get along with the students here I do get along with the staff; adults are much better company. Its almost official I am disliked by almost everyone and I have done nothing, that I know of, to insight such animosity.
So my basketball season is ending short, who fails choir, well when you choose your basketball game over your class concert, this girl fails choir, I still have a 2.0 your penalizing me for missing school for basketball. "Your a student athlete, student comes first", blah blah blah, I could care less about school. I got A's in all my hard classes I only failed the ones that were boring and easy; coach should know by now if it doesn't challenge me I wont work hard. "Don't play at the level of your competition, make them rise to your level", yeah coach I guess your right. If all I hang around is shit, I will only ever amount to shit.
Oh snap, I really like track and I really love throwing the javelin, I threw it over 100 ft, I wonder if I can hit someone while they are running. I saw a video about a guy getting hit in the leg with a javelin, the metal is so smooth, you wouldn't think the tip would be that sharp.
Junior year, I'm already settled in, I know most of the people here even if they don't know or talk to me. I have a great relationship with the staff from the principal to the school officers. I hardly go to class but I have a 3.5 GPA, I spend most of my time in the gym or in Baumann's class.
This is horrible, I am leaving cottonwood and I don't even get to say goodbye to any of the staff.
Granite High School
I can say without hesitation, that Granite was the best of my high school experiences, though high school as a whole was miserable. To limit the number of people that are offended, each year in high school JJ will only discuss her mindset and emotions, she will not criticize or bad mouth anyone.
Have you ever wanted to swallow a bottle of acid? First day of school, everyone stares but no one says a word. Maybe there is something wrong with me, while I want to scream at them to stop looking at me, I don't even have the energy to make a facial expression. I've been in Utah for almost a year, a year of feeling alienated and judged, a year of silence not wanting to offend their senses with my opinions. Swallowing your words and feelings is like swallowing a bottle of acid, a slow painful death; a rope would be so much faster but then again I have always had a strong neck.
I guess I have a boyfriend, he is funny, tells allot of stories about him getting hit in the nuts, I don't know which is funnier him being hit, or him thinking the stories will get him the panties. First I don't wear any and second I'm not ready to go down that road again. Ever since mine and his relationship ended, its hard for me to be that close to another man; they don't care about me the way he did, they wont be as gentle and loving. I just want to go back home so I can be with him, where I am safe.
Aside for the sexual "abuse", JJ had never been that close to a man and so it was hard for her to build healthy relationships with males. If she trusted you sure enough you could have your way with her but if she felt even the slightest deception; she would never give in to your seductions.
I like this game of basketball, volleyball yeah I get to hit the ball, basketball I get to hit the people, this should be interesting. I really like playing, when I play I don't hear the voices, its as though they too are occupied. I'm having the hardest time making friends but playing sports allows me to meet people, even if they don't like me, at least they pretend to be my friends.
I got into I fight, I feel so bad but she pushed me, I don't remember anything after that. I feel so angry all the time, I go to church every Sunday for six hours, Monday comes I walk in this school and I am enraged. So I've been doing reading, some people to deal with emotional stress will cut themselves, it didn't relieve anything, I just like the way the blood looks. I wonder how long it would take me to bleed out.
Now that basketballs over I've disappeared back into the crowd, I hear whispers but I can't be bothered to much to think about, I might have to switch schools next year.
I guess I have a boyfriend, he is funny, tells allot of stories about him getting hit in the nuts, I don't know which is funnier him being hit, or him thinking the stories will get him the panties. First I don't wear any and second I'm not ready to go down that road again. Ever since mine and his relationship ended, its hard for me to be that close to another man; they don't care about me the way he did, they wont be as gentle and loving. I just want to go back home so I can be with him, where I am safe.
Aside for the sexual "abuse", JJ had never been that close to a man and so it was hard for her to build healthy relationships with males. If she trusted you sure enough you could have your way with her but if she felt even the slightest deception; she would never give in to your seductions.
I like this game of basketball, volleyball yeah I get to hit the ball, basketball I get to hit the people, this should be interesting. I really like playing, when I play I don't hear the voices, its as though they too are occupied. I'm having the hardest time making friends but playing sports allows me to meet people, even if they don't like me, at least they pretend to be my friends.
I got into I fight, I feel so bad but she pushed me, I don't remember anything after that. I feel so angry all the time, I go to church every Sunday for six hours, Monday comes I walk in this school and I am enraged. So I've been doing reading, some people to deal with emotional stress will cut themselves, it didn't relieve anything, I just like the way the blood looks. I wonder how long it would take me to bleed out.
Now that basketballs over I've disappeared back into the crowd, I hear whispers but I can't be bothered to much to think about, I might have to switch schools next year.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
The Beehive State
When I was 13 years old, my mother told me that we were going on a vacation, to Utah and visit my sister, who was attending school at BYU. A vacation, that was to last 14 days, I left Utah Aug 2009 and moved to Arizona. So what happened you might ask that led to me staying in the beehive state, well much of this story is told by JJ, this time of my life was very negative in my eyes. It wasn't till I was an adult that I could see the value in moving to Utah and while it has been a great blessing, high school in this state would drive any person insane. This section may be offensive but understand that this was my mindset upon first moving from New York.
Son, I swear on everything I love, if these dumb ass people keep stepping to me like I'm retarded I'ma slap somebody. What the fuck you mean I can't take advanced classes they would be to hard, shouldn't a test be used to determine that not your racial ignorance. I hate Utah, everyone here assumes cause I'm black and from New York that I'm some ghetto hood rat that can't read. Mean while the black people from this state act so stereotypical I want to lynch them. I don't know what in the hell my mother was thinking about dropping me off here but if she thinks I'm staying she has another thing coming.
The people here are so fake it makes my face hurt, these kids really think they are cool, you'll look retarded, pick your damn pants up first, second bitches stop trying to show of your titties. People here really have no self respect or value, they are all sleeping around with each and involved in more drama then a soap-opera and they are only in high school. I am not one to judge but I'm thinking some people should have done more swallowing. Oh lord and these parents, how are you going to let your child talk to you like that, if that was my mom oh I know she would have choked the vocabulary out of me.
If it wasn't for church I would lose my mind but I am thinking about homicide if these racist bastards keep fucking with me. I hate Utah, why the hell did my sister and my mother have to drag me out to this damn place. Fuck them, fuck Utah and fuck everybody in Utah.
Son, I swear on everything I love, if these dumb ass people keep stepping to me like I'm retarded I'ma slap somebody. What the fuck you mean I can't take advanced classes they would be to hard, shouldn't a test be used to determine that not your racial ignorance. I hate Utah, everyone here assumes cause I'm black and from New York that I'm some ghetto hood rat that can't read. Mean while the black people from this state act so stereotypical I want to lynch them. I don't know what in the hell my mother was thinking about dropping me off here but if she thinks I'm staying she has another thing coming.
The people here are so fake it makes my face hurt, these kids really think they are cool, you'll look retarded, pick your damn pants up first, second bitches stop trying to show of your titties. People here really have no self respect or value, they are all sleeping around with each and involved in more drama then a soap-opera and they are only in high school. I am not one to judge but I'm thinking some people should have done more swallowing. Oh lord and these parents, how are you going to let your child talk to you like that, if that was my mom oh I know she would have choked the vocabulary out of me.
If it wasn't for church I would lose my mind but I am thinking about homicide if these racist bastards keep fucking with me. I hate Utah, why the hell did my sister and my mother have to drag me out to this damn place. Fuck them, fuck Utah and fuck everybody in Utah.
THE LEARNING TREE
I was fortunate enough and got in enough trouble, that my mother decided to send to me a private school for junior high. Best decision of my life, looking back; the learning tree taught me it was okay to think differently. Every student in that school was bright and not just gifted, but they each had a hunger for knowledge. The school was a multicultural school through predominately black, all but one student was black.
We had a class dedicated to black history and we would read about different black senators, teachers, authors, doctors, inventors, activists etc. In that school we learned the rich history of the Black man in America. I also learned Spanish, French and American Sign Language; the kindergartners learned Arabic, we even sang the Black Nation Anthem at our assembles.
My most valued lesson learned at the learning tree, knowing the I am great because I choose to be; black history taught me that no matter the odds, I could make my dreams come true and I can make a better life for myself.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Woodside Housing Projects - Jasmine
Most people would glorify living in the ghetto, talk about the drugs and violence. Those of us that grow up in such places know that we are not these savage beast, that they try to portray us as. Most of us are incredibly smart and did well in math and science, others excelled in music and writing; one thing that can be said we are a talented group.
Life in a project, forces you to develop your talents in order to survive; you find ways to express yourself so that the stresses of life doesn't cause you to self destruct. You most develop a cold exterior all the while keeping a warm heart; justice, order and loyalty never forget those three principles. Respect is earned not given and it would serve you to know your place, speak when spoken too, never flex if you are in unfamiliar territory.
It wasn't often that I was allowed outside to play, I would leave the house to run errands with my mother or to visit family. However, when I was allowed outside, I would play for hours on the jungle gym with many of my friends from school.
I never understood why JJ chose to run away, when she and Grace would fight rather then using her words she was quick to grab a weapon. Running away wouldn't have been as bad if she ran in the day time, JJ didn't like the safety in light, she would leave at 10 pm and not come home till 3 am. It's not like she ran away once or twice in her life, she ran away once or twice a year, starting at the age of three. Always the explorer JJ much rather run away and put herself in harms way, then settle for the safe adventures that our mother would take us on. She has always been drawn to the dark side, in the shadows she dwells feeding off of the negativity.
Life in a project, forces you to develop your talents in order to survive; you find ways to express yourself so that the stresses of life doesn't cause you to self destruct. You most develop a cold exterior all the while keeping a warm heart; justice, order and loyalty never forget those three principles. Respect is earned not given and it would serve you to know your place, speak when spoken too, never flex if you are in unfamiliar territory.
It wasn't often that I was allowed outside to play, I would leave the house to run errands with my mother or to visit family. However, when I was allowed outside, I would play for hours on the jungle gym with many of my friends from school.
I never understood why JJ chose to run away, when she and Grace would fight rather then using her words she was quick to grab a weapon. Running away wouldn't have been as bad if she ran in the day time, JJ didn't like the safety in light, she would leave at 10 pm and not come home till 3 am. It's not like she ran away once or twice in her life, she ran away once or twice a year, starting at the age of three. Always the explorer JJ much rather run away and put herself in harms way, then settle for the safe adventures that our mother would take us on. She has always been drawn to the dark side, in the shadows she dwells feeding off of the negativity.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
50-05 Broadway - JJ
I always attributed JJ's mellow dramatic nature to her growing up on Broadway, yes I mean the Broadway, however in Queens not Manhattan. Although, they were not allowed to be outside, JJ wasn't one to follow the rules, she took every opportunity to get into mischief.
I never understood why I wasn't allowed outside, the people in our neighborhood were so nice, better then the person my mom would have watch me, if I got locked out. Bryndel, worked late into the night and school early in the morning, when he gets out of school he passes out for four hours before going back to work. I learned that if I knock really softly, I can say I knocked he didn't answer and I get to explore Wood-side.
In elementary school, if I got locked out, there was this really noisy neighbor, Ms. Barbara, if I took one step out of my building. There she was upper body hanging out the window, cigarette in hand, "Jasmine, where you think you going, I'm going to tell your mom you walking around."
I'm locked out my bother wont answer
"Then get your butt in this house, you know you ain't supposed to be outside, trying to be slick."
I really didn't like her, she is almost as bad as this other women my mom use to have watch me. I loved her older daughter but the mom was so mean; one time she was watching me, I was about three. My mom dropped me off at her house, however she was in the back and the door was still open. I walked out and went to what would be my future elementary school. They called the cops and my mom had to come pick my siblings and I, up from the police station; she was so mad I left. I told her I missed her and grace, I miss being that cute and little, before the beatings started getting really bad.
Growing up, I ran away a lot, one time Grace and I got into a fight, I pulled a knife on her and then left the house. I got back 2 am, my mom was pissed, I told her I was at church but she beat me senseless for running away and for pulling a knife on Grace. I think that next day I cut Grace's hair while she slept, not sure but I got beat senseless when I did that too. One time I ran away from home but went to my mom's job, you know she still beat me when we got talking about, I don't care if you came to me, I said don't leave the house. I think she just likes having me as a punching bag.
You might think I deserved it but I was trapped, I could never leave and I was always getting beat up by Grace. If my mom listened to me when I tried to tell her, she would see that I don't deserve to be beat.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Mary D. Carter Elementary, PS 151
Trying to take care of five kids on your own, requires time and effort that my mother did not have, so I started school when I was three years old. This gave me an advantage because the hippocampus (memory center), finishes developing at three. Now this does not mean that I am smarter or more gifted, rather I have had more practice with recall so it is easier for me to remember information.
Since I started school early, I was always the youngest in my grade, however I grew fast so I was the tallest. This made me a target for bullying so much of my time in elementary was spent in the principles office for one reason or another.
First grade was great, I had my best friend Deja, she was the prettiest girl in our grade and I was the tallest. We had a click, with the twins, we formed our group because the twins lived in 50-03, I lived in 50-05 and Deja 50-07; 50-150ty girls. You know when people are only your friends cause you are big and they figure you can be security; since they didn't seem to actually like me, we stopped being friends by the end of the year.
Second grade, I learned the most in Mrs. Slantskie's class, known for being the hardest and meanest second grade teacher. My only complaint would be she smacked the desk with a ruler if you fell asleep; I always finished my work early so I frequently was woken up to my desk being smacked.
Third grade, I found my voice, up until this point I knew how to read school books and do my homework, I was a great student but I couldn't read that well. However, this year our class was putting on a performance for the school, I really wanted the lead so I memorized every single line of the main character. My hard worked paid off, I got the lead over Ecatherina and became an amazing reader from that point on. Once I read it, it was committed to memory, ready at a moments notice to be repeated.
Fourth grade, I fought the most this year, both girls and boys. The females had boobs and the males thought they had balls and since I was tall everyone wanted to test me. For those that know me, I have great relationships with adults but not people of my own age. People my age, think I am a doormat, that year either you respected me or you feared me.
Fifth grade, I don't remember much of the school year, I had a great teach Ms. Asdaul but a week after school started, 9/11 happened. Anything that happened after that day didn't matter.
Elementary school socially set the tone for the remainder of my life, I was born alone and I was determined to die alone. People are mean and cruel, rather then taking the time to get to know you they will attack you if you are different, even if you are a child.
Since I started school early, I was always the youngest in my grade, however I grew fast so I was the tallest. This made me a target for bullying so much of my time in elementary was spent in the principles office for one reason or another.
First grade was great, I had my best friend Deja, she was the prettiest girl in our grade and I was the tallest. We had a click, with the twins, we formed our group because the twins lived in 50-03, I lived in 50-05 and Deja 50-07; 50-150ty girls. You know when people are only your friends cause you are big and they figure you can be security; since they didn't seem to actually like me, we stopped being friends by the end of the year.
Second grade, I learned the most in Mrs. Slantskie's class, known for being the hardest and meanest second grade teacher. My only complaint would be she smacked the desk with a ruler if you fell asleep; I always finished my work early so I frequently was woken up to my desk being smacked.
Third grade, I found my voice, up until this point I knew how to read school books and do my homework, I was a great student but I couldn't read that well. However, this year our class was putting on a performance for the school, I really wanted the lead so I memorized every single line of the main character. My hard worked paid off, I got the lead over Ecatherina and became an amazing reader from that point on. Once I read it, it was committed to memory, ready at a moments notice to be repeated.
Fourth grade, I fought the most this year, both girls and boys. The females had boobs and the males thought they had balls and since I was tall everyone wanted to test me. For those that know me, I have great relationships with adults but not people of my own age. People my age, think I am a doormat, that year either you respected me or you feared me.
Fifth grade, I don't remember much of the school year, I had a great teach Ms. Asdaul but a week after school started, 9/11 happened. Anything that happened after that day didn't matter.
Elementary school socially set the tone for the remainder of my life, I was born alone and I was determined to die alone. People are mean and cruel, rather then taking the time to get to know you they will attack you if you are different, even if you are a child.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Getting JAZZY on them
There are three sides to every story, JJ represents false perception and Jasmine symbolizes concrete evidence. Then there is Jazzy, the human recorder, most conversations consist of fun facts that the average person should not and does not know. Jazzy, works much like the judicial system should work; she sees that justice is served.
Growing up in the Wood-side housing projects was an amazing experience, life wasn't perfect JJ frequently made trouble and Jasmine was always right there to clean things up. Our family was close, we spent a lot of time together, because our mother didn't think our neighborhood was safe, we were for the most part in the house. Our mother worked multiple jobs to take care of us, JJ felt neglected and acted out to get attention, while Jasmine took advantage of every moment she did get to spend with our mother and was rewarded with more one on one time.
After nine years of life I have learned, behind every beauty is an ugly truth. JJ hates that our mother is always working and blames herself for her constant absence. Jasmine on the other hand understands that food and shelter are necessary, so she tries to be of service and obey the rules waiting patiently for her reward. The two are always in opposition so life is a roller coaster, JJ's plot followed by punishment, Jasmine's repentance and then reward.
A few months ago, Enna came home with a variety box of chocolate candy bars that she was to sell for a school fundraiser. Jasmine knew our mother loved chocolate and began to search for ways she could earn a candy bar if our mother in fact bought one. For a week, Jasmine was really good in school, had her homework done before our mother came home, helped our mother with whatever she needed; well she was doing some serious but kissing and still no candy.
Two weeks, into the butt kissing and JJ had enough, she was not going to be turned into a slave for chocolate. One day when we came home from school, Bryndel let us in but then left for work. We were home alone and JJ saw her opportunity, she went and took one candy bar, after all Jasmine had worked so hard and been so good. Come to think of it Jasmine had worked so hard she deserved compensation, after all mom went to work and received compensation, so why shouldn't Jasmine. JJ took the box of candy and money as compensation for Jasmine's servitude.
Later, that evening JJ was beat, while the punishment might have been severe, it would not have been that way if JJ had not lied the first time when asked about the candy. Most of JJ and our mothers contention is caused by JJ lying, if she would learn to ask for the things that she wants instead of taking them or to earn a reward instead of expecting it; their relationship would be alot better.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Princess Jasmine
Hate to be rude but I don't have time for proper introductions; my counter part informed me that she spoke with you yesterday. She has a tendency to fudge the truth or completely leave information out, as to make her appear innocent. Not saying that things weren't hard growing up but there were allot of happy moments. On Saturdays, when my mom would go to the mall, she would take me and we would eat awesome food and then I would help her pick out clothes. She and I were really close, mornings consisted of helping my mom get ready for work, then off to school, at one point my mom even hired a nanny for me. My protection was always top priority, JJ always found a way to make trouble; everything that happened to her was of her own doing.
Important information to know, Jasmine is emotionless, the only things that hold value to her are facts. JJ is passion and desire, the facts are relative, she is driven by feeling. Jasmine will not buildup or add lavish details, she is short, sweet and too the point.
My life is pleasant, the youngest of five, I wouldn't call myself spoiled; mother made it very clear you follow the rules and you will be rewarded, break them and you will be punished. The only person who has a problem with this is JJ, senseless and stupid, she deserves everything that happened to her.
A few months ago, she was beat for stealing Enna's fundraiser chocolate and money; OH, she left that out didn't she. We had come home from school and were hungry, there was other food in the house but JJ wanted a candy bar. We didn't have candy bars, so she went into Enna's room and took a candy, which would have been fine, she could get two dollars to replace it. However, in typical JJ fashion, she ate the whole box of chocolate, which consisted of 20 candy bars, then she took the money. To make things worse, after finding the empty box and candy wrappers in JJ's bed, she still lied said it wasn't her. Only after dangling in the air and being beat did she turn on the water works and concocted some story about being hungry.
Mother loves her but she doesn't like to follow the rules, bad girls deserve to get punished.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
SPAWN - JJ
Now there is a "clearer" picture of how I process information, each time period will be described by Jasmine - positive, JJ - negative and Jazzy - neutral. In this section, JJ will be introducing herself and while she may sound convincing, I urge you hear from Jasmine and Jazzy before making any assumptions. JJ can be mellow dramatic and will always play the victim role, though she is more of an EVIL genius, more emphasis on the EVIL. Her mentality is me against the world, everything you do is being carefully watched by her and you never know if you might be next on her hit list.
"Oh isn't she so cute", I swear I hear that from everyone I meet, and while I have to admit I am pretty cute; don't be fooled, life hasn't been roses and sunshine. I grew up in the Wood-side Housing Project, it was as bad as it sounds, but only to outsiders. The people in my community showed me more love then my family did, I mean everyone seemed so nice but my mom always kept me locked in the house. I was never allowed to go outside or play with kids and having someone over the house forget about it; I rarely left the house but for school, that apartment was my HELL.
Grace teases me saying the milk man is my daddy, that's why I'm so light. She is just jealous cause I have long pretty hair and people give me lots of attention. Maybe if she wasn't always picking on me, maybe if I leave they will all be happier. A nine year old should not have to go through the things I have been through, my mom beats me all the time, there is never any food and they keep me locked up all day; I am a modern day Cinderella. OH sure, think I am having a "awww Michelle" moment but you wouldn't last a day in my life.
Not to long ago, to punish me, my mother had each of my sibling grab a limb, keep in mind I am the youngest of five, and she began to beat me. I was hit over 200 times for eating the box of chocolates that my sister was suppose to sell as part of a school fundraiser. I said that I was sorry but I was just so hungry and that was the only thing to eat; if I left the house I would have gotten beat so I ate her candy. I understand that I deserved to be punished but she didn't have to beat me the way she did.
My mother shows me no affection but is quick to punish me. I get that its not easy being a single mother of five but I didn't ask to be born; two years ago my mom said she wished she never had me. I know she meant it, her and my dad were happy before I came along; they got divorced after I was born. They probably blame me for my parents breaking up, that explains why my dad hates me and why my mom seem set on making me feel unwanted. Something about my birth broke up what was once a happy home, I wish I was never born.
"Oh isn't she so cute", I swear I hear that from everyone I meet, and while I have to admit I am pretty cute; don't be fooled, life hasn't been roses and sunshine. I grew up in the Wood-side Housing Project, it was as bad as it sounds, but only to outsiders. The people in my community showed me more love then my family did, I mean everyone seemed so nice but my mom always kept me locked in the house. I was never allowed to go outside or play with kids and having someone over the house forget about it; I rarely left the house but for school, that apartment was my HELL.
Grace teases me saying the milk man is my daddy, that's why I'm so light. She is just jealous cause I have long pretty hair and people give me lots of attention. Maybe if she wasn't always picking on me, maybe if I leave they will all be happier. A nine year old should not have to go through the things I have been through, my mom beats me all the time, there is never any food and they keep me locked up all day; I am a modern day Cinderella. OH sure, think I am having a "awww Michelle" moment but you wouldn't last a day in my life.
Not to long ago, to punish me, my mother had each of my sibling grab a limb, keep in mind I am the youngest of five, and she began to beat me. I was hit over 200 times for eating the box of chocolates that my sister was suppose to sell as part of a school fundraiser. I said that I was sorry but I was just so hungry and that was the only thing to eat; if I left the house I would have gotten beat so I ate her candy. I understand that I deserved to be punished but she didn't have to beat me the way she did.
My mother shows me no affection but is quick to punish me. I get that its not easy being a single mother of five but I didn't ask to be born; two years ago my mom said she wished she never had me. I know she meant it, her and my dad were happy before I came along; they got divorced after I was born. They probably blame me for my parents breaking up, that explains why my dad hates me and why my mom seem set on making me feel unwanted. Something about my birth broke up what was once a happy home, I wish I was never born.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Perception
I talked about perception in Introduction to Sex, I thought because perception played a key part in all of my decision making, an explanation of my thought process was necessary.
There are three people dwelling within me, Jasmine - positive, JJ - negative, Jazzy - neutral; this is the easiest way to describe each force or state of mind, that provokes an action. An example of this at work, if you are positive to me, I am positive to you, negative to me etc. Every reaction is based on the premise did your actions make me feel positive, negative or indifferent. Positive people become life long friends who's happiness I rejoice in, negative people are dead until they make themselves alive and moving targets.
I will not attack someone who does not attack me first, if I feel as though you are being dishonest and that your actions will eventually lead to me being hurt. There is a cold that sets in, every action becomes deliberate, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. However, if you stir up my heated desire, my passion is a force that can overtake you in a feeling of ecstasy. Every moment will bring such bliss, time will seem to fly by, conversing so easy and free; you will have my unfailing loyalty as a friend.
There are three people dwelling within me, Jasmine - positive, JJ - negative, Jazzy - neutral; this is the easiest way to describe each force or state of mind, that provokes an action. An example of this at work, if you are positive to me, I am positive to you, negative to me etc. Every reaction is based on the premise did your actions make me feel positive, negative or indifferent. Positive people become life long friends who's happiness I rejoice in, negative people are dead until they make themselves alive and moving targets.
I will not attack someone who does not attack me first, if I feel as though you are being dishonest and that your actions will eventually lead to me being hurt. There is a cold that sets in, every action becomes deliberate, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. However, if you stir up my heated desire, my passion is a force that can overtake you in a feeling of ecstasy. Every moment will bring such bliss, time will seem to fly by, conversing so easy and free; you will have my unfailing loyalty as a friend.
Introduction to Sex
"Been sucking dick and turning tricks, long before I ever had the cereal." - JJ
As a young "black-ish" girl, growing up in a project, the sexual violation of a child was not foreign to me. I, myself was introduced to sex and things of that nature at the age of three; for now I will refer to it as abuse, continued until I was seven. When I was nine years old, my mother took me to a counselor and confronted me with a most particular story. I will not retell the story because as an adult I choose not to live in my past, however I will say the moral of the story, she heard some very bad things happened to me.
Understand that as a child I did not comprehend Good and Bad, I knew when something was right and when something was wrong. So when I heard this story I immediately thought, well no she has it all wrong, nothing bad happened to me. I didn't think that I was hurt in anyway because other then being beat I didn't know pain. My understanding as a child was this person loved me and cared about me and would never hurt me so everything that was happening was normal and okay, no matter how old I was.
This time in my life was very important and later on I will write of my educational experiences during this age but I think it important to make special reference to this time. My early introduction to an adult activity, taught me early that willingness to please can be both a creative and a destructive power. Through my life both uses are highlighted and will be discussed later on but I want to make very clear, I do not think what happened to me as a child was destructive or bad.
I am NOT advocating on behalf of child molesters and sexual relationships of any kind, with persons not yet mature enough to understand the emotional and chemical effects of sex, is wrong. However, I was not abused, nor am I a victim; my relationship though misunderstood and unhealthy did not hurt me. I did not understand what was actually taking place but never once did I feel fear or in danger. Its important to understand that more important then the facts is my perception of what happened.
As a young "black-ish" girl, growing up in a project, the sexual violation of a child was not foreign to me. I, myself was introduced to sex and things of that nature at the age of three; for now I will refer to it as abuse, continued until I was seven. When I was nine years old, my mother took me to a counselor and confronted me with a most particular story. I will not retell the story because as an adult I choose not to live in my past, however I will say the moral of the story, she heard some very bad things happened to me.
Understand that as a child I did not comprehend Good and Bad, I knew when something was right and when something was wrong. So when I heard this story I immediately thought, well no she has it all wrong, nothing bad happened to me. I didn't think that I was hurt in anyway because other then being beat I didn't know pain. My understanding as a child was this person loved me and cared about me and would never hurt me so everything that was happening was normal and okay, no matter how old I was.
This time in my life was very important and later on I will write of my educational experiences during this age but I think it important to make special reference to this time. My early introduction to an adult activity, taught me early that willingness to please can be both a creative and a destructive power. Through my life both uses are highlighted and will be discussed later on but I want to make very clear, I do not think what happened to me as a child was destructive or bad.
I am NOT advocating on behalf of child molesters and sexual relationships of any kind, with persons not yet mature enough to understand the emotional and chemical effects of sex, is wrong. However, I was not abused, nor am I a victim; my relationship though misunderstood and unhealthy did not hurt me. I did not understand what was actually taking place but never once did I feel fear or in danger. Its important to understand that more important then the facts is my perception of what happened.
Sunday, March 22, 2015
My Conception
My mother once told me it was 80 degrees the day that I was born, I always found that interesting because cooler temperatures have often preceded my birthday. I joke that on that day, the gates of hell opened and I spawned, ironically enough growing up my mother would refer to me as the spawn of Satan. Over the years, our relationship came to end, which brings me to present day, contemplating my conception and my purpose.
September 2013, my elder brother and I were walking around South Salt Lake, UT, the conversation as it often does, drifted to the topic of my mother and our failed relationship. I confessed that while I care deeply for my mother, she and I are like oil and water, we don't mix. That day my brother told me a secret that in an instant changed my life: first he told me that we did not share the same father, then he told me that my mother had been raped at gun point. Already a mother of four and recently divorced, my mother did what she thought was best, she attempted to raise her rapist baby.
Suddenly it clicked, all the comments about my unwanted birth, talk of shipping me off or giving me away. I wonder how she felt seeing my face, I wonder if my birth is what led to my mother temporarily losing custody of her kids. If so, why did she take me back? For the first year or so of my life, I was raised by my aunt and her husband, to this day I still look to my aunt as the mother I often wished I had. Not meant as a blow to anyone's ego simply, like most young people, I felt the grass was greener on the other side.
I'm not sure how the story really goes, all information I possess is hearsay so I can't attest to its validity. Long story short, my stay with my aunt was short lived and as I started my second year of life I was in the care of my mother. Often, I think back to that day and wonder why she chose to take me back. I gave birth to my rapist baby, (story for later blog) and I couldn't image the emotions that I would feel, if everyday I saw my child it was a constant reminder of the day my life as I knew it, ended.
Knowing what I know now, I can show my mother empathy, while I know things could have been very different. I suppose things worked as they should, one day I think she and I will talk and I hope she can answer some of the questions that I have.
I hope that when she looks at me, she doesn't see my father but she sees a young women, who loves and misses her mother very much. A young women, who almost let fear of rejection send her down an endless path of drifting. I was not the perfect daughter and considering all the facts, I can say that I was the devil. I attempted to devalue the job that my mom did as a mother because I thought she could do better. The only thing my mother owes me is her knowledge of life as to help better equip me for mine.
While I would love to celebrate the start of one life, I could not do so without acknowledging the loss of another. I am sorry he took your life and I thank you for giving and allowing me to live mine.
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