23 - Jasmine C. Petit

Side note this is the 23rd blog for I am Jasmine C. Petit, also I am in my 23rd year of life. The number 23 is very important to me because it symbolizes a time of great change for me.
Thank you for your support on this journey.

     After I turned 23, I began working on a book, at first I wasn't sure what I would write about. I didn't know any great history stories that I could tell, the only stories I had know were the ones that plagued my life. I was tired of the assumptions, everyone speaking as though they knew me, as if they could bare the cross of my life. They were not my Savior so that could never judge me righteously. 
    The book started as poems, poems turn to blogs, blogs turned to a back and forth poetic telling of my life; followed by a poem to introduce the next story. I was finding clarity and solutions to questions I didn't even know I should have been asking. I stopped looking to my own understanding and asked for help and direction from my family, pastors and teachers. 
   I had every tool I ever needed to succeed and this time, I knew what to do with it; first I would pray. Second I would seek the counsel of my family and teachers, third I would search the scriptures, for an ancestor who was met with a great adversity and gain understanding of how they employed their talents, so that I may do the same and be prosperous. 
  
   I also had to lay to rest all false notations of God's people; the family is the church of the living God and we are all brothers and sisters. So I should seek to do good works why my brother has need but I should never be a slave to my brother. Words, to live and be fed by, I would humble and submit myself before the lord, serve him righteously and work my own lands and harvest my own fields; and let it stand when my brother has need of me. 

    My great work and mission, was to work to provide for myself and my family, to help those when they are in great need, and know that my labors will produce fruit. It took me 23 years, to understand my blessing and calling as a women. 

Love and Basketball leads to Adultery - Jazzy

Everything I have ever done, I have done in the pursuit of love, or at least what I thought was love. See this story started at Mountain View High school, unfortunately it didn't end there, which lead to me committing adultery not once but twice and both times with "the one".

Not high school sweet hearts, never went that far,
I was a baller, you a track star
we were always butting heads, didn't see eye to eye, 
my style and my attitude, had you wondering why
I hide my body and I hid my face
behind a boy persona, telling lies and being fake

Went off to college in different states
didn't know why, you'd be calling me 
said you had a girlfriend you wanted to come and see
asked if you and your friends, could come and stay with me
Tried to keep it calm, tried to be cool
but you keep trying to play me for a fool
thought we could be friends
now I'm thinking twice
Am I wrong for liking you
or are you Mr. Wright

Lost track of time, I was on your mind
You were locked up then, I thought I finally had my chance
I wrote you, you called me
thought it was true love, found out you were playing me
you broke my trust, it tore me up baby
Had to distance myself, the silence drove you crazy

Wanted to hurt him so I called you
I was unfaithful, didn't tell the truth
You let your conscious get the better of you
lie, was all I thought to do
Siting in that park, thinking man am I crazy
why am I fighting for this fool I should be Chris's lady

Am I wrong for thinking that we could be something for real
Am I wrong for trying to tell you just how I feel

The words were inspired by a secret love affair, started when I was married, which didn't end and resulted in me cheating in other relationships I engaged in. I had told myself, that I would never commit to one men, unless it was "the one." I had never been more foolish before or after this time period spanning 2008-2015.

My recent come to Jesus and excepting of his love, renew me in such a way I vowed never to commit adultery again. I was going to wait till that fateful day and I would see the face of my Lord, on that day I would "know" him and he would "know" me. When you are in love with the father you don't have urges of the flesh but yearning for the soul. 
I would remain faithful until that day, when I would look into his eyes and see my savior Christ Jesus, even if it meant that he who I believed was "the one", wasn't. I would submit and humble myself before the will of my Lord and Savior.  

Gods Creation; Devils temptation - Jasmine

    I had always cared for Cameron since high school, he reminded me of my older brother; we use to do things we shouldn't but he was always there to protect me if something went down. Cameron was my superhero, always there to make me laugh, always challenging me. I never understood why he never put that amount of effort in him self, he had the potential for greatness but lack true confidence.
   I thought if my calling was to have a family, why not see what happened with him, the sexual chemistry was there, we already "knew" each other. There were many red flags as to why we should get together but he and I ignored them all and been down paths of great wickedness together. I lost the light that once shown bright in my eyes, for I delighted in evil and thought wicked and perverse things. 
    They say when God wants you, he will have you, know matter where you are. God wanted Cameron and he wanted me, and the only way he could have us both would be to wake us both up and wrench us apart. After, all the hurt and lies, I still looked back longing to have my friend. But it wasn't to be so, God opened my eyes and showed me my way. 
   I stopped disobeying my fathers command and I headed east out of the desert to the land of milk and honey. And when I got there and I thought I was stuck and didn't know what to do. I called upon the name of the Lord and he sent me an Angel to watch over me. 
   I had teachers and pastors, to watch over me and I had embraced a love of family, that I had not known before. 
    My friends back home write for my return, I do not wish to burden them with the news, I will not return. So I am about my fathers business and he wishes me to learn his teachings and have them engraved upon my heart, that I may love all men as I love myself. That I must seek to be in the service of men when they are in great need and do not waste my times on quarreling. I was delivered from captivity because I no longer live in the world for man but for God to serve man. 
  
I know the devil flees, from my thoughts, because he knows he has no power here. He may temp me with delights but I will remain humble in the service of my Lord. 

Post Traumatic Stress - JJ

So most women after giving birth would take the six weeks necessary to heal. Not JJ, the idea of standing still being alone with time would mean she would have to deal with her past. There was no time to relive the last 5 months it was time to live, to experience life, to play basketball be cause after all that was the desire of her heart.

     God has a funny way of working, I thought that my coach would be cool after the adoption and she still kicked me off the team. It's okay, I got another offer to CEU - Price , Utah home of the Eagles. Well I did always believe I would fly.
     Start of season strain all the muscles in my back, that cause stress, so the day after my birth I start having seizures? My season over before it even began, what that hell, kind of BS is this. Seriously, you say my calling is to be a vessel so I brought him in this world, now why can't I have want I want.
     The answer was quiet but clear, "its not about what you want, its about what is asked of you," for what ever reason, I got married. The relationship lasted 22 months and ended in divorce after 9 months of marriage. Again I had failed to fulfill my purpose and was met with a great obstacle and fell. However, this time I refused to get up, if I was married I would have my own life with my marriage and pursue my career and work and neglect my family and spouse. 
     My marriage failed because I never tried to make it work, I knew I didn't know what I was doing, I had no idea how to be a wife. Rather then learning from my teachers, I neglected to obey the first commandment of God's word, Love the lord thy god, second Love thy neighbor as you love thyself. I had neglected God in my relationship and neglect to pray with my husband for understanding, on how I could make him happy. 
    I thought that if I cooked, cleaned and had sex; he should be satisfied, I could be free to play sports, write and edit of the school news paper and work; and neglect my family, not allowing him to have valuable talking time and embracing one another. I was too busy to enjoy my marriage and enjoy my spouse. I had stopped loving my neighbor, my husband; this led to the down fall of my marriage, but I firm knowledge that happiness would not come to me, if I kept neglecting my family, which is the church of the living God. 

Adoption - Jazzy

1 Timothy 2:15 - yet she will be saved through childbearing - if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self control.
We are saved by Christ sacrifice, Elijah will precede the Lord on that great and terrible day; had my life become prophesy. In a way yes, before I could ever understand the Lords love for me, I would have to except his love, his sacrifice. I would find my peace in the sacrifice I was about to make, I had bore a child and remained faithful to my calling. This would be my peace my key to salvation and testament of love. 

Elijah, son of Bernie and Rich, delivered to  them by the father, through his servant Jasmine.

      It was the first of many callings bestowed on me and if I remained faithful and endured to the end, the Lord would bless me that I would see all my talents used to help along his work. Love, that was my commandment and calling, that love would show itself in many forms over the years and to different people. 
      Now to learn control and discipline so that I may not be lead astray and held captive by those which would see me perish. Life is a battle, you can either Adopt life and love; or death and hate. You cannot live while you do things that will end up killing you. 

Elijah - Jasmine

In the bible it says that Elijah will precede the Lord on that great and terrible day.
         It was only right that his parents name him Elijah because before I found out about him I was heading down a dark path of destruction. JJ and I were one in the same, despair had taken hold of me, I was filled with anger and bitterness; life was meaningless without basketball.
       I hated God for taking away everything I loved, my mom was a stranger, I was alone and had no one. Or at least that is what I thought, until I heard your heart beat.

I never knew a love like this, so strong and steady your heart beat
For months you lay in wait so still, the beating you had taken not revealing one bruise
this perfect child inside of me, my body had found a use
I was a vessel, a creator of life
But who was I to create a life I could not sustain
Then I heard the voice of the Lord, "Your not his mother, Angel is your name"
When I saw your mother, you began to run to her
And for the first time in 5 1/2 months I felt you
As you began to run to your parents
I began to run to mine
I had seen my place, in my Father's great design
I couldn't tell my mother but I needed to see her face
To be in the comfort of her arms and to be embraced
When we met your mother, tears filled her eyes
"We decided to name you Angel, so Elijah will know who brought him to our lives"

        My writings were my only creation until I had you, how ironic you would share my mothers birthday, a whole month before you were actually due. You preceded the Lord in my life and my ability to see all his many blessings. Whenever I have faltered, I think of you, how out of darkness I received a blessing, YOU.  

Product of Rape - JJ

      I wasn't as bad as they made me out to be, I didn't party every night actually I was a real home body. The school started off, I was excited to have what I thought was friends but nobody is really your friend. I liked a couple of guys but it didn't work out.
      By the time season started I was home every night and working out, I loved basketball, one the court was the only time I excepted and respected. You couldn't deny I played hard, I might lose but you wouldn't have an easy win, you were going to have to work. 
      The Season was a blur of excitement, injury and perseverance, I torn the ligaments that wrap around your Tibia, still played, I practiced with my boot on. Mid season I started having pains in my lower abdominal region, the school trainer said it was probably a hernia. 
      After Basketball season ended I went to the hospital because I was having sever pains, I told the doctor what my school trainer had said about the possible hernia. He asked was it possible I was pregnant and when was my last menstrual period. Well no I couldn't be pregnant and well I normally have 4 periods a year, I was very athletic and less then 12% body fat. 
      3 hours later, they take me to get and ultra sound, 1 hour later the doctor asks me if I knew I was pregnant, I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. The sudden realization that I had played an entire season of basketball pregnant, there was never any movement, I still had my six pack. NO I couldn't be pregnant I didn't have sex with anyone around my birthday.
     After 5 hours at the hospital, I heard his heart beat and I couldn't deny it anymore. I was pregnant and it wasn't as though I was in relations with someone around that time. I searched for a name a memory something, Amber. My roommate in college we had our ups and downs, I went to Amber and asked her what happened on my birthday, all she could tell me was there were two guys in our apartment and the night was a blur once drinks where poured. I didn't remember the night, not like oh I was fucked up, no I mean there were pictures of me unconscious on a floor.
    Who in their right mind has sex with someone who is unconscious, I saw a picture (long after I had my son) I cried cause I looked dead in the picture. 
   I had left the hospital confused, I was in college, still wanted to play basketball and now I was pregnant and I have 3 1/2 months to get ready to take care of another life. I can't even take care of myself. 
 It was the first time I truly offered up an honest prayer and I got my reply "he isn't yours to keep but he is yours to have, his mother is waiting"
    I went home and started searching the internet for families, I don't know how I got to the site but it was called it's about love.org (I didn't know at the time it was through LDS family services). I selected my race preferences and this cute white couple popped up. I thought since they don't know that neither of them are black, lets search for a family at least one is black. Two pictures popped up, I began to scroll over the first picture and when I got to the second, I felt someone run across my stomach. I sent them in email, "My name is Jasmine Petit, I am 18 years old and the little guy in my tummy told me you are his mommy and daddy, 480-***-****, I look forward to hearing from you."
    I reply came in the middle of a moderately warm day in Arizona, "You should get in contact with LDS family serves and get a case worker, here is our case workers information."
   The Journey isn't mine to tell but This was one moment in time I didn't mind stepping aside and letting Jasmine have her moment.