It's the end of my junior year and I am in the whites part of Utah, I know no one and now I have to start over at a new school. I am done with constantly moving and changing schools, I keep getting discarded like trash, I guess the only time I have value is when I'm on my back. Forget playing by the rules, lets see how long it takes to self destruct.
So my sisters roommate has allot of pills I mean allot, I wonder if taking a specific combination would cause my heart to stop. If I cut Enna will notice the scars and I am not quite ready to throw in the towel like that anyways. This new basketball coach, there is something about him, if I could pull my head out my ass I think he can really help me.
So the assistant coach is pregnant and playing basketball, that is awesome, I love basketball everything about it, from the sound of the ball bouncing to the sound of flesh being rubbed raw as you dive on the floor for a loose ball. I don't really mesh with the girls that well but at least they are trying and I am giving it some effort.
So much for getting along with people, the only thing that will benefit me at this school is basketball, everything else is not worth my time. The people here are beyond cruel and they think they can talk to people any type of way. I might be proper but I can get ghetto real quick, if they keep pushing me, I might have to hurt someone.
Now that basketball is over and I don't live with Enna, I don't care anymore, every night I take a different bottle of pills hoping that I wont wake up in the morning. Only to wake up sick and throwing up and still have to go to school the next day. If I began to cut my coach would notice, we talk, he is always trying to get me to see the bright side. We both hate it here but see the value in being at the school, these girls are great and mean well, they just have an evil side.
I don't know why I am doing track, actually its cause Coach is making me; its not all bad I get to see a certain someone almost every day, Coach makes fun of us and calls us love and basketball. Actually he is a bit of an asshole to me, he makes fun of me, talks about the way I dress, is down right mean; of course I would have a crush on him.
I know I am suppose to be going to college but I am ready for it to end already, I have had enough success in life. I can't handle anymore disappointment and I can't keep falling short, something has got to give. I'm tired of hiding behind a smile and pretending like this world is an amazing place. You know how frustrating it is to take a bottle of sleeping pills fall asleep in the tub and wake up the next morning. Can't even kill myself properly, the tub drained out before I could drown. Maybe I can get someone else to do it for me. I can sneak out every night and they wont know, even better I can say I am going to salt lake to work or play basketball but really live on the streets maybe someone will kill me. The homicide rate in Salt Lake is higher then Utah County.
Summer is almost over, I am heading to college I suppose I should be happy, I guess self destruction will be easier if I'm far away from anyone I know.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Cottonwood
I don't believe I am saying this but I miss Granite, while some of the people from Granite are here, this school is nothing like Granite. I thought people at Granite have a staring problem, I'm surprised people don't walk into shit, they stare so hard. What are you looking at?
At least here the classes are more challenging, as in this school lets me take harder classes, instead of recommending the lower level classes like Granite did. I love all my classes AP history, AP English, College Algebra(1010) and Physics; finally I'm around other smart people that like to read, they still hate me but at least they are smart.
The volleyball team is much better, I really like the coach he knows somethings off with me but he is really nice. Also Coach Baumann is the girls basketball coach and Coach Ekins, even though I don't get along with the students here I do get along with the staff; adults are much better company. Its almost official I am disliked by almost everyone and I have done nothing, that I know of, to insight such animosity.
So my basketball season is ending short, who fails choir, well when you choose your basketball game over your class concert, this girl fails choir, I still have a 2.0 your penalizing me for missing school for basketball. "Your a student athlete, student comes first", blah blah blah, I could care less about school. I got A's in all my hard classes I only failed the ones that were boring and easy; coach should know by now if it doesn't challenge me I wont work hard. "Don't play at the level of your competition, make them rise to your level", yeah coach I guess your right. If all I hang around is shit, I will only ever amount to shit.
Oh snap, I really like track and I really love throwing the javelin, I threw it over 100 ft, I wonder if I can hit someone while they are running. I saw a video about a guy getting hit in the leg with a javelin, the metal is so smooth, you wouldn't think the tip would be that sharp.
Junior year, I'm already settled in, I know most of the people here even if they don't know or talk to me. I have a great relationship with the staff from the principal to the school officers. I hardly go to class but I have a 3.5 GPA, I spend most of my time in the gym or in Baumann's class.
This is horrible, I am leaving cottonwood and I don't even get to say goodbye to any of the staff.
At least here the classes are more challenging, as in this school lets me take harder classes, instead of recommending the lower level classes like Granite did. I love all my classes AP history, AP English, College Algebra(1010) and Physics; finally I'm around other smart people that like to read, they still hate me but at least they are smart.
The volleyball team is much better, I really like the coach he knows somethings off with me but he is really nice. Also Coach Baumann is the girls basketball coach and Coach Ekins, even though I don't get along with the students here I do get along with the staff; adults are much better company. Its almost official I am disliked by almost everyone and I have done nothing, that I know of, to insight such animosity.
So my basketball season is ending short, who fails choir, well when you choose your basketball game over your class concert, this girl fails choir, I still have a 2.0 your penalizing me for missing school for basketball. "Your a student athlete, student comes first", blah blah blah, I could care less about school. I got A's in all my hard classes I only failed the ones that were boring and easy; coach should know by now if it doesn't challenge me I wont work hard. "Don't play at the level of your competition, make them rise to your level", yeah coach I guess your right. If all I hang around is shit, I will only ever amount to shit.
Oh snap, I really like track and I really love throwing the javelin, I threw it over 100 ft, I wonder if I can hit someone while they are running. I saw a video about a guy getting hit in the leg with a javelin, the metal is so smooth, you wouldn't think the tip would be that sharp.
Junior year, I'm already settled in, I know most of the people here even if they don't know or talk to me. I have a great relationship with the staff from the principal to the school officers. I hardly go to class but I have a 3.5 GPA, I spend most of my time in the gym or in Baumann's class.
This is horrible, I am leaving cottonwood and I don't even get to say goodbye to any of the staff.
Granite High School
I can say without hesitation, that Granite was the best of my high school experiences, though high school as a whole was miserable. To limit the number of people that are offended, each year in high school JJ will only discuss her mindset and emotions, she will not criticize or bad mouth anyone.
Have you ever wanted to swallow a bottle of acid? First day of school, everyone stares but no one says a word. Maybe there is something wrong with me, while I want to scream at them to stop looking at me, I don't even have the energy to make a facial expression. I've been in Utah for almost a year, a year of feeling alienated and judged, a year of silence not wanting to offend their senses with my opinions. Swallowing your words and feelings is like swallowing a bottle of acid, a slow painful death; a rope would be so much faster but then again I have always had a strong neck.
I guess I have a boyfriend, he is funny, tells allot of stories about him getting hit in the nuts, I don't know which is funnier him being hit, or him thinking the stories will get him the panties. First I don't wear any and second I'm not ready to go down that road again. Ever since mine and his relationship ended, its hard for me to be that close to another man; they don't care about me the way he did, they wont be as gentle and loving. I just want to go back home so I can be with him, where I am safe.
Aside for the sexual "abuse", JJ had never been that close to a man and so it was hard for her to build healthy relationships with males. If she trusted you sure enough you could have your way with her but if she felt even the slightest deception; she would never give in to your seductions.
I like this game of basketball, volleyball yeah I get to hit the ball, basketball I get to hit the people, this should be interesting. I really like playing, when I play I don't hear the voices, its as though they too are occupied. I'm having the hardest time making friends but playing sports allows me to meet people, even if they don't like me, at least they pretend to be my friends.
I got into I fight, I feel so bad but she pushed me, I don't remember anything after that. I feel so angry all the time, I go to church every Sunday for six hours, Monday comes I walk in this school and I am enraged. So I've been doing reading, some people to deal with emotional stress will cut themselves, it didn't relieve anything, I just like the way the blood looks. I wonder how long it would take me to bleed out.
Now that basketballs over I've disappeared back into the crowd, I hear whispers but I can't be bothered to much to think about, I might have to switch schools next year.
I guess I have a boyfriend, he is funny, tells allot of stories about him getting hit in the nuts, I don't know which is funnier him being hit, or him thinking the stories will get him the panties. First I don't wear any and second I'm not ready to go down that road again. Ever since mine and his relationship ended, its hard for me to be that close to another man; they don't care about me the way he did, they wont be as gentle and loving. I just want to go back home so I can be with him, where I am safe.
Aside for the sexual "abuse", JJ had never been that close to a man and so it was hard for her to build healthy relationships with males. If she trusted you sure enough you could have your way with her but if she felt even the slightest deception; she would never give in to your seductions.
I like this game of basketball, volleyball yeah I get to hit the ball, basketball I get to hit the people, this should be interesting. I really like playing, when I play I don't hear the voices, its as though they too are occupied. I'm having the hardest time making friends but playing sports allows me to meet people, even if they don't like me, at least they pretend to be my friends.
I got into I fight, I feel so bad but she pushed me, I don't remember anything after that. I feel so angry all the time, I go to church every Sunday for six hours, Monday comes I walk in this school and I am enraged. So I've been doing reading, some people to deal with emotional stress will cut themselves, it didn't relieve anything, I just like the way the blood looks. I wonder how long it would take me to bleed out.
Now that basketballs over I've disappeared back into the crowd, I hear whispers but I can't be bothered to much to think about, I might have to switch schools next year.
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