Patient and Loving - Jazzy

After 8 years of divorce, my husband returned to me, married to wife number 3 and they had a child. 

It was time that I stopped waiting foolishly for him to return, he was no longer my husband. 

January of 2021, I was finally ready to open up my heart. Each potential suitor is worse than the one before, would I ever find someone to love me for me? 

Well, it's Aug of 2022, and not much has changed in my romantic life.

The past few years have been life-changing, to say the least; in a 6 month period JJ, hung herself, overdosed on pills, and finally drank anti-freeze. To say that she was over the pain she experienced would be an understatement. All this happened to start in Sept 2016, so how did we get to the present day; well that is a story only I can tell. 

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"JJ please don't, we can't breathe the cord is too tight. JJ please not like this, you don't want your family to find out like this." Jasmine and I pleaded as JJ tied the extension cord around the poll in the closet. 

"I've made up my mind, if I can't be a wife and mother, I don't want to be here anymore," JJ said tying the last knot. Suddenly, she leaned backed, all of our weight now being held by an extension cord that was tied around our neck. "What about Elijah," I began to cry as the pain and darkness took over. 

"He was never ours, we were just a vessel," JJ retorted giving in to the cold that was death approaching us. 

Just then we came crashing to the ground, it was too late though after 45 seconds without oxygen you pass out. 

I came to on the floor of my closet, "stupid bitch can't even kill yourself right," JJ muttered. She walked to the kitchen grabbed the largest knife and pressed it firmly against her skin. She kept going harder and harder and though scars would later appear, she never broke our skin. 

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That December, JJ took her whole bottle of medication. None of us remember anything from that attempt but it was clear, that we weren't going to let off the hook that easy. 

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In January 2017, Chris asked us to come to Texas with him. I beg Jasmine and JJ to not go, "please, remember when he left us in Maryland?" I never forgave Chris for that even though it drew us all closer to God. Sadly, God wasn't present right now, at least none of us could feel his presence. 

Chris had momentarily left, JJ turned to me and said, "you know the only way to not go to Texas?" I slumped my head down, "yes," I whispered. We left for the store picked up anti-freeze and made our way back home, this was it. 

8 oz of anti-freeze later, I was in an ambulance being kidnapped by the police and taken to the hospital. Apparently, you can kill a fetus but if you try to kill yourself that is illegal. I was committed to Salt Lake Behavioral and halfway through the week, something changed. 

3 days into our stay JJ prayed, I don't recall everything that she said but the deal was simple. If we had to stay on earth, we would be a mother. That was Feb 2017, Jaden Solomon Petit was born on May 31, 2018.

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So here we are present day, Jaden is 4 and I am still alone. I won't say I am single but alone is accurate. Shortly after having Jaden, I was told that I needed to prepare myself once again to be a wife. I scoffed at the idea, me a wife. 6 people had already proposed since my divorce and never did I say yes. So who would marry me?

Even now as I am very technically seeing someone, I still wonder, who would marry me? I am broken.

When I say I want security it isn't the financial kind that most men or women even think of. My security is knowing that someone will be present and love me. To date, the only people that do come out of my vagina.

The guy I am seeing now, asks that I be patient and loving. 

I'm being asked to do something that no one has ever done for me in my life, which is to stay and love.

I pray God gives me the strength because I feel like I am heading back to that cold and dark place. 

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People have only ever wanted me for my body and sex. At 30, that hasn't changed; what I wouldn't give for someone to want me for more than sex. 

Not much I can do about it but be patient and loving. 

Quietly Drifting

    I spent my days, either studying the bible or doing some type of domestic work; where once I would have felt lazy and unaccomplished, I felt calm and at peace. I had been reading several things in the bible that caused me to reflect on my failed relationships and the cause of their demise.
   From my limited understanding, it sounded as though my idea of what life was, wasn't so. For I was born into this world with nothing, so why the need to accumulate things, if I will leave the world with nothing. I stopped trying to build my family once I got married, I had tried to pursue my own selfish endeavors and met with failure. Not only did I lose any chance of living "my dream", as I thought it was, I lost my husband and my stubbornness and pride didn't have me fighting for my marriage.
    I tried a second relationship and that one failed, well for a number of reasons, first neither of us had a love of God or ourselves. We were quick to run to evil and plotted evil against our neighbors. That relationship was one with the devil, for I was in the pit of hell before I realized it was too late and tried to escape but did not meet with success.
     My mother had raised me with a belief in Jesus Christ and God the Father, in my youth I turned away from my father much like the wayward son, who only after losing every thing he had inherited, returned home to his father, disgraced. However, the father received him in love and a great feast was prepared for him.
    My life and the bible had similarities that could not be denied, all one has to do is change the names, the dates don't matter because all of the same things are happening. If this were true from me, it would be true for others, so how to spread the message of his love.

Enter the Pastor and Teacher

    My pastor was to help me understand the meat of what was being said, she was also my support and strength along with the church, which proved to be like family. Than I had a mentor, he was the authority in my life, from which I was to receive instructions and obey. He was truly God's messenger and if I would heed his words and follow him in faith, the Lord would have be delivered from captivity.

23 - Jasmine C. Petit

Side note this is the 23rd blog for I am Jasmine C. Petit, also I am in my 23rd year of life. The number 23 is very important to me because it symbolizes a time of great change for me.
Thank you for your support on this journey.

     After I turned 23, I began working on a book, at first I wasn't sure what I would write about. I didn't know any great history stories that I could tell, the only stories I had know were the ones that plagued my life. I was tired of the assumptions, everyone speaking as though they knew me, as if they could bare the cross of my life. They were not my Savior so that could never judge me righteously. 
    The book started as poems, poems turn to blogs, blogs turned to a back and forth poetic telling of my life; followed by a poem to introduce the next story. I was finding clarity and solutions to questions I didn't even know I should have been asking. I stopped looking to my own understanding and asked for help and direction from my family, pastors and teachers. 
   I had every tool I ever needed to succeed and this time, I knew what to do with it; first I would pray. Second I would seek the counsel of my family and teachers, third I would search the scriptures, for an ancestor who was met with a great adversity and gain understanding of how they employed their talents, so that I may do the same and be prosperous. 
  
   I also had to lay to rest all false notations of God's people; the family is the church of the living God and we are all brothers and sisters. So I should seek to do good works why my brother has need but I should never be a slave to my brother. Words, to live and be fed by, I would humble and submit myself before the lord, serve him righteously and work my own lands and harvest my own fields; and let it stand when my brother has need of me. 

    My great work and mission, was to work to provide for myself and my family, to help those when they are in great need, and know that my labors will produce fruit. It took me 23 years, to understand my blessing and calling as a women. 

Love and Basketball leads to Adultery - Jazzy

Everything I have ever done, I have done in the pursuit of love, or at least what I thought was love. See this story started at Mountain View High school, unfortunately it didn't end there, which lead to me committing adultery not once but twice and both times with "the one".

Not high school sweet hearts, never went that far,
I was a baller, you a track star
we were always butting heads, didn't see eye to eye, 
my style and my attitude, had you wondering why
I hide my body and I hid my face
behind a boy persona, telling lies and being fake

Went off to college in different states
didn't know why, you'd be calling me 
said you had a girlfriend you wanted to come and see
asked if you and your friends, could come and stay with me
Tried to keep it calm, tried to be cool
but you keep trying to play me for a fool
thought we could be friends
now I'm thinking twice
Am I wrong for liking you
or are you Mr. Wright

Lost track of time, I was on your mind
You were locked up then, I thought I finally had my chance
I wrote you, you called me
thought it was true love, found out you were playing me
you broke my trust, it tore me up baby
Had to distance myself, the silence drove you crazy

Wanted to hurt him so I called you
I was unfaithful, didn't tell the truth
You let your conscious get the better of you
lie, was all I thought to do
Siting in that park, thinking man am I crazy
why am I fighting for this fool I should be Chris's lady

Am I wrong for thinking that we could be something for real
Am I wrong for trying to tell you just how I feel

The words were inspired by a secret love affair, started when I was married, which didn't end and resulted in me cheating in other relationships I engaged in. I had told myself, that I would never commit to one men, unless it was "the one." I had never been more foolish before or after this time period spanning 2008-2015.

My recent come to Jesus and excepting of his love, renew me in such a way I vowed never to commit adultery again. I was going to wait till that fateful day and I would see the face of my Lord, on that day I would "know" him and he would "know" me. When you are in love with the father you don't have urges of the flesh but yearning for the soul. 
I would remain faithful until that day, when I would look into his eyes and see my savior Christ Jesus, even if it meant that he who I believed was "the one", wasn't. I would submit and humble myself before the will of my Lord and Savior.  

Gods Creation; Devils temptation - Jasmine

    I had always cared for Cameron since high school, he reminded me of my older brother; we use to do things we shouldn't but he was always there to protect me if something went down. Cameron was my superhero, always there to make me laugh, always challenging me. I never understood why he never put that amount of effort in him self, he had the potential for greatness but lack true confidence.
   I thought if my calling was to have a family, why not see what happened with him, the sexual chemistry was there, we already "knew" each other. There were many red flags as to why we should get together but he and I ignored them all and been down paths of great wickedness together. I lost the light that once shown bright in my eyes, for I delighted in evil and thought wicked and perverse things. 
    They say when God wants you, he will have you, know matter where you are. God wanted Cameron and he wanted me, and the only way he could have us both would be to wake us both up and wrench us apart. After, all the hurt and lies, I still looked back longing to have my friend. But it wasn't to be so, God opened my eyes and showed me my way. 
   I stopped disobeying my fathers command and I headed east out of the desert to the land of milk and honey. And when I got there and I thought I was stuck and didn't know what to do. I called upon the name of the Lord and he sent me an Angel to watch over me. 
   I had teachers and pastors, to watch over me and I had embraced a love of family, that I had not known before. 
    My friends back home write for my return, I do not wish to burden them with the news, I will not return. So I am about my fathers business and he wishes me to learn his teachings and have them engraved upon my heart, that I may love all men as I love myself. That I must seek to be in the service of men when they are in great need and do not waste my times on quarreling. I was delivered from captivity because I no longer live in the world for man but for God to serve man. 
  
I know the devil flees, from my thoughts, because he knows he has no power here. He may temp me with delights but I will remain humble in the service of my Lord. 

Post Traumatic Stress - JJ

So most women after giving birth would take the six weeks necessary to heal. Not JJ, the idea of standing still being alone with time would mean she would have to deal with her past. There was no time to relive the last 5 months it was time to live, to experience life, to play basketball be cause after all that was the desire of her heart.

     God has a funny way of working, I thought that my coach would be cool after the adoption and she still kicked me off the team. It's okay, I got another offer to CEU - Price , Utah home of the Eagles. Well I did always believe I would fly.
     Start of season strain all the muscles in my back, that cause stress, so the day after my birth I start having seizures? My season over before it even began, what that hell, kind of BS is this. Seriously, you say my calling is to be a vessel so I brought him in this world, now why can't I have want I want.
     The answer was quiet but clear, "its not about what you want, its about what is asked of you," for what ever reason, I got married. The relationship lasted 22 months and ended in divorce after 9 months of marriage. Again I had failed to fulfill my purpose and was met with a great obstacle and fell. However, this time I refused to get up, if I was married I would have my own life with my marriage and pursue my career and work and neglect my family and spouse. 
     My marriage failed because I never tried to make it work, I knew I didn't know what I was doing, I had no idea how to be a wife. Rather then learning from my teachers, I neglected to obey the first commandment of God's word, Love the lord thy god, second Love thy neighbor as you love thyself. I had neglected God in my relationship and neglect to pray with my husband for understanding, on how I could make him happy. 
    I thought that if I cooked, cleaned and had sex; he should be satisfied, I could be free to play sports, write and edit of the school news paper and work; and neglect my family, not allowing him to have valuable talking time and embracing one another. I was too busy to enjoy my marriage and enjoy my spouse. I had stopped loving my neighbor, my husband; this led to the down fall of my marriage, but I firm knowledge that happiness would not come to me, if I kept neglecting my family, which is the church of the living God. 

Adoption - Jazzy

1 Timothy 2:15 - yet she will be saved through childbearing - if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self control.
We are saved by Christ sacrifice, Elijah will precede the Lord on that great and terrible day; had my life become prophesy. In a way yes, before I could ever understand the Lords love for me, I would have to except his love, his sacrifice. I would find my peace in the sacrifice I was about to make, I had bore a child and remained faithful to my calling. This would be my peace my key to salvation and testament of love. 

Elijah, son of Bernie and Rich, delivered to  them by the father, through his servant Jasmine.

      It was the first of many callings bestowed on me and if I remained faithful and endured to the end, the Lord would bless me that I would see all my talents used to help along his work. Love, that was my commandment and calling, that love would show itself in many forms over the years and to different people. 
      Now to learn control and discipline so that I may not be lead astray and held captive by those which would see me perish. Life is a battle, you can either Adopt life and love; or death and hate. You cannot live while you do things that will end up killing you.