Patient and Loving - Jazzy

After 8 years of divorce, my husband returned to me, married to wife number 3 and they had a child. 

It was time that I stopped waiting foolishly for him to return, he was no longer my husband. 

January of 2021, I was finally ready to open up my heart. Each potential suitor is worse than the one before, would I ever find someone to love me for me? 

Well, it's Aug of 2022, and not much has changed in my romantic life.

The past few years have been life-changing, to say the least; in a 6 month period JJ, hung herself, overdosed on pills, and finally drank anti-freeze. To say that she was over the pain she experienced would be an understatement. All this happened to start in Sept 2016, so how did we get to the present day; well that is a story only I can tell. 

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"JJ please don't, we can't breathe the cord is too tight. JJ please not like this, you don't want your family to find out like this." Jasmine and I pleaded as JJ tied the extension cord around the poll in the closet. 

"I've made up my mind, if I can't be a wife and mother, I don't want to be here anymore," JJ said tying the last knot. Suddenly, she leaned backed, all of our weight now being held by an extension cord that was tied around our neck. "What about Elijah," I began to cry as the pain and darkness took over. 

"He was never ours, we were just a vessel," JJ retorted giving in to the cold that was death approaching us. 

Just then we came crashing to the ground, it was too late though after 45 seconds without oxygen you pass out. 

I came to on the floor of my closet, "stupid bitch can't even kill yourself right," JJ muttered. She walked to the kitchen grabbed the largest knife and pressed it firmly against her skin. She kept going harder and harder and though scars would later appear, she never broke our skin. 

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That December, JJ took her whole bottle of medication. None of us remember anything from that attempt but it was clear, that we weren't going to let off the hook that easy. 

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In January 2017, Chris asked us to come to Texas with him. I beg Jasmine and JJ to not go, "please, remember when he left us in Maryland?" I never forgave Chris for that even though it drew us all closer to God. Sadly, God wasn't present right now, at least none of us could feel his presence. 

Chris had momentarily left, JJ turned to me and said, "you know the only way to not go to Texas?" I slumped my head down, "yes," I whispered. We left for the store picked up anti-freeze and made our way back home, this was it. 

8 oz of anti-freeze later, I was in an ambulance being kidnapped by the police and taken to the hospital. Apparently, you can kill a fetus but if you try to kill yourself that is illegal. I was committed to Salt Lake Behavioral and halfway through the week, something changed. 

3 days into our stay JJ prayed, I don't recall everything that she said but the deal was simple. If we had to stay on earth, we would be a mother. That was Feb 2017, Jaden Solomon Petit was born on May 31, 2018.

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So here we are present day, Jaden is 4 and I am still alone. I won't say I am single but alone is accurate. Shortly after having Jaden, I was told that I needed to prepare myself once again to be a wife. I scoffed at the idea, me a wife. 6 people had already proposed since my divorce and never did I say yes. So who would marry me?

Even now as I am very technically seeing someone, I still wonder, who would marry me? I am broken.

When I say I want security it isn't the financial kind that most men or women even think of. My security is knowing that someone will be present and love me. To date, the only people that do come out of my vagina.

The guy I am seeing now, asks that I be patient and loving. 

I'm being asked to do something that no one has ever done for me in my life, which is to stay and love.

I pray God gives me the strength because I feel like I am heading back to that cold and dark place. 

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People have only ever wanted me for my body and sex. At 30, that hasn't changed; what I wouldn't give for someone to want me for more than sex. 

Not much I can do about it but be patient and loving.